The Colbert Report

Season 4 Episode 46

Jeff Gore

Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Apr 09, 2008 on Comedy Central
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Episode Summary

Jeff Gore
Tonight Stephen welcomes the founder of Citizens for Retiring the Penny, Jeff Gore.
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    Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions


    • TRIVIA (0)

    • QUOTES (6)

      • Stephen: So how can Democrats choose between Barack & Hillary? The answer is tonight's Word: Starter Country. Folks, the Democrats have proved on thing, they can raise some cash. So far the Obama campaign has raised $234 million, that's a lot of money. (Almost 1% of Bear Stearns bail out) Meanwhile Hillary has raised more than $175 million. Well done women over 60! All those five dollar bills in birthday cards really added up. Now both sides say that raising all this cash proved they've got what it takes to manage something big. Well, all it really proves is that this election, the Democratic Party has more money than the GDP of a small island nation. (Also more drunk college kids) So why not kill two birds with one stone and use that campaign cash and just buy a small country. Then they can get on the job executive experience where it doesn't matter if they screw up. Plus real estate is a great investment. (Except in the U.S.) I am talking of course about something modest.

        For $234 million Barack could buy Turks & Caicos. And the timing could not be better. Right now Turks & Caicos is developing a national health insurance program. This is Obama's chance to prove that his heathcare plan really does cover everyone. It shouldn't be hard, only 21,000 people live there, I think my staff healthcare plan covers more than that. (It doesn't) On the other hand for $175 million Hillary Clinton can afford to by the Pacific island of Palau. Unfortunately for her there's no drive for socialized medicine on Palau, I think they pay for their care the old fashioned way by throwing a virgin into the volcano. (Offended Palauans send complaints to: Summer Redstone: President Viacom: Hollywood, CA) But folks, Hillary is the perfect person to help Palau fight the growing problem of illegal dynamite fishing, where fishermen throw a bunch of bombs in the water and hope for something dead to float up. (Clinton campaign strategy)

        The point is either Clinton or Obama will prove themselves to be the better executive and become the Democratic nominee. But if you're still not convinced that experience with some other country is the best judge of leadership, look at how it worked for George W. Bush. He based his whole Presidency on buying Iraq. (You break it, you bought it) And it only cost us $509,790,361,391….I'm sorry, it keeps changing. For that money we could afford Croatia, Luxembourg, Slovenia, Serbia, Bulgaria, Lichtenstein, Libya, Tunisia, Cyprus, Jordan, and half of Lebanon…no, the nice half. So Senator Clinton, Senator Obama, prove to the voters of Pennsylvania that you're ready to run a country. Just not this one. (Starter country)

        And that's the Word.

      • Stephen Colbert: Folks, the Pennsylvania primary rages on. Of course, the big question is who has the real experience to be president. Now, we all know John McCain is experienced. He witnessed the formation of the Grand Canyon. And so is Hillary Clinton. She lived in the White House for eight years. She'll know on day one which one of the doors kind of sticks when it's humid. Not Barack Obama. You cannot get experience working in the Illinois legislature. Ask Abraham Lincoln. He only got elected because his face was on the penny. But really folks, there's only one man who has the necessary experience to run this country in a time of war. (shows picture of President Bush and speaks with tears in voice) Why are you leaving? Why start following the Constitution now? Not fair.

      • Stephen Colbert: I have some advice for the Olympic flame itself. Okay, fire, you have a lot of enemies. So, when you check into a hotel, make sure to register under an assumed name, something no one would expect like Earth and Wind. And listen, if those San Francisco nutjobs push you too far, set the d**m hotel on fire. We know that city burns. (Crowd oohs) Too soon? Is it too soon to joke about the San Francisco fire? I didn't know we had centegenerians in the office tonight.

      • Stephen Colbert: The Olympic Torch: the international symbol of brotherhood, sportsmanship, and doping. Apparently, these Buddhist bullies have their waistcoats all in a bunch over the Chinese crackdown in Tibet. So, they're trying to stop the torch from being run through the city streets of London, Paris, and now, the heart of darkness, San Francisco. Personally, I find an attack on a torch hypocritical in a city known for some pretty flaming parades. I don't get it. All China wants to do is equate the beauty and good will of the torch to the beauty and good will of their totalitarian regime. These monks are ruining it for them. That hurts.

      • Stephen Colbert: It [the Olympic torch] is more of a victim than those protestors in Tibet. It is certainly getting more protection than they are.

      • Stephen Colbert: The Tibetan celebration of occupation by China has been uninterrupted for 57 festive years.

    • NOTES (0)

    • ALLUSIONS (1)

      • When giving advice to the Olympic torch, Stephen Colbert explains that San Francisco can burn. He is referring to the San Francisco Earthquake of 1906 that set off massive physical destruction, fires, and death.

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