The Colbert Report

Season 2 Episode 144

Jeff Swartz

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Nov 14, 2006 on Comedy Central
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Jeff Swartz
AIRED:
Tonight Stephen welcomes CEO of Timberland, Jeff Swartz.
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    • QUOTES (2)

      • Stephen: I just finished my resume. If anyone asks, this show is been on for thirty years. This is the Colbert Report.

      • Stephen: …which brings us to tonight's Word: Expecting. Now folks, I confess my first instinct was to be against what I call the "Dude-Uterus," (Or dude-erus) because you just know they gays are going to be all over it. And you know what that means, (Republicans retake Congress) that means one thing: butt babies. Hear me out! Hear me out, this is science! Let's be adult about this. It's bad enough when they adopt straight people's children to turn them gay, but now instead of developing fetus' listening to Mozart they'll be listening to House music. So I thought pregnant man were a bad idea. But then I remembered that one of this year's biggest election issues was stem cell research. Last Tuesday three candidates for stem cell research were elected to the Senate and four against it lost their seats. That means hundreds of thousands of frozen embryos from fertility clinics, embryos that were going to be destroyed are now in danger of being used for scientific research. Those are tiny frozen Americans! (From seed to shining seed)

        Well now thanks to the power of the man-womb transplants, all the men who protested stem cell research because they consider embryos to be human life can have a uterus implanted and let those babies grow inside them. (As usual, no exit strategy) There is more than enough to impregnate guys like Michael Steele, Jim Talent and Rick Santorum, now that they've lost their Senate races they've got plenty of free time on their hands. (No longer have to work 93 days a year) Oh, and how great would it be if they all went into labor together? (Rush Limbaugh can bring the painkillers) And you know what? Now that I think of it the President could get knocked up too. (Poppy don't preach) Last year when he vetoed the stem cell research bill he was surrounded by Snowflake Children, whose parents adopted them as embryos and carried them to term. Just image how much more powerful that photo op will be the next time he vetoes it and he's six months pregnant. It's that beautiful? There's nothing more beautiful than a pregnant President. He would be putting his womb where is mouth is. Not literally, that's probably not a good idea. (Speak awkwardly enough as it is)

        And you know what? Maybe I could do it too. (For sweeps) You know, thinking of names here, already have a Stephen Jr, maybe ColberT Colbert. (Co-Co for short) You know, how hard could it be? You know, I've already passed a kidney stone, how much worse could it be? (8lbs worse) So if you're a male who voted against stem cell research you cannot pass up this opportunity. It is not a choice, it is a moral duty. Will it be easy? No! But take your uterus like a man! It's what the rest of the country is expecting. (Expecting)

        And that's the Word.

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