The Colbert Report

Season 4 Episode 154

Jeffrey Goldberg

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Dec 02, 2008 on Comedy Central
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Jeffrey Goldberg
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Tonight Stephen welcomes journalist for The Atlantic, Jeffrey Goldberg.
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    • TRIVIA (0)

    • QUOTES (2)

      • Stephen: Tonight: A Giants wide receiver is charged with gun possession. He. Could. Go. All. The. Way. To. Jail! Then: My Christmas gift guide for the rich. My first hint: Hire Cristo to wrap an island. And my guest Jeffrey Goldberg says airline security is insufficient. Great, now we have to take off our pants. If you're looking for an inexpensive way to heat your home, might I suggest a grease fire? This is the Colbert Report.

      • Stephen: Something happen this past weekend that made me understand just what gay couples are going through and it brings me to tonight's Word: A Man Named Plaxico. Folks, yesterday Plaxico Burress, and average, everyday multi-millionaire wide receiver for the New York Giants, was forced to turn himself into authorities. Why? (Police had Cowboys +6?) Simply because on Friday evening he attended a nightclub with his partner, a unlicensed semi-automatic Glock he had tucked into the waistband of his sweatpants. And what was the supposed crime? (Sweatpants at a nightclub?) They were having fun. In fact the gun, in its joy, slipped out of his waistband and shot Burress in the thigh. I guess that shocked a lot of people. (Except those who followed his career) Well, what's getting lost in the reporting of this so called "scandal" is that this shooting was a completely consensual act between a man and his Glock. (Gun should have thought about baseball) And yet, a man named Plaxico could be facing a sentence of up to 15 years.

        Nation, call me a dreamer, but I thought we had finally reached a point in this country where anyone could take a gun anywhere for any reason. After all this year the Supreme Court overturned the D.C. gun ban, Florida passed a take your guns to work law, and Georgia decided to allow guns into state parks and onto public transportation as part of their ongoing campaign to rid the Atlanta subway of mountain lions. But a man named Plaxico is a criminal. Who's really at fault here? (Whoever named him "Plaxico"?) Not Plaxico, no, not Plaxico. Some are calling him the Rosa Parks of people who have shot themselves in the thigh in a nightclub. (aka "Rosa Packs") Now I certainly don't blame the gun here, it was just doing what comes naturally. Saying to a gun: Hey, don't shoot, is like saying to Plaxico Burress: Hey, maybe don't bring a gun to a nightclub in your sweatpants. No! I blame society with its puritanical views of the love between a man and his sidearm!

        Well nation, I am proud to say I have a deep and fulfilling relationship with my gun…come out here Sweetness. (brings out his gun) Come out here baby, come out here, don't be shy. What? What's that? No, we need him to run the camera. Now I don't see how my, or a man named Plaxico's relationship with a loaded gun with the safety off is a threat to any of you! (starts waving gun around) Or any of you our there! Now I now a lot of bigoted things have been said about man/gun relationships. ("They threaten the sanctity of traditional knife-fights.") Do you know that they won't even let Sweetness and me have hospital visitation rights? When I'm visiting sick kids at the hospital I can't even bring my own gun. How am I supposed to hunt those balloon animals? So you stay strong, a man named Plaxico, stay strong for all of us. Because on day I hope to proudly bring Sweetness to Thanksgiving dinner and introducer her to my brothers and sisters and cousins and my uncle Glen and his roommate Barry. They're best buddies. (Stephen thinks Rosie O'Donnell's a "confirmed bachelor") And I hope and pray that day comes soon because it is high time the government says out of our sweatpants. (gun goes off)

        Oh God! And that's the Word!

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