The Colbert Report

Season 3 Episode 118

Jeffrey Toobin

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Sep 20, 2007 on Comedy Central
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Jeffrey Toobin
AIRED:
Tonight Stephen welcomes legal writer and author of The Nine: Inside the Secret World of the Supreme Court, Jeffrey Toobin.

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    Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions

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    • TRIVIA (1)

    • QUOTES (5)

      • Stephen: Hey, reading rainbow! Stop promoting the homo-literate agenda! This is the Colbert Report!

      • Stephen: Russians are urged to have more babies, inside other babies, inside other babies, inside other babies.

      • Stephen: The right answer is not for the government to regulate private armed forces, it's tonight's Word: Market Forces. Face it, it's hard to hold private military contractors like Blackwater accountable. (Which is why we hired them) You see folks, they're not technically in the military so they can't be court-martialed, and thanks to a law issues in 2004 by the head of the Coalition Provisional Authority, Paul Bremmer, on his last day, they're also exempt from being tried under Iraqi law. (There's Iraqi law?) It seems the only way to police a for-profit army like Blackwater is with free market forces because the market polices itself. (The invisible hand on the trigger) Now I will admit Blackwater has a few brand management issues. First of all, their name: Blackwater. (Blackwater) It is cartoonishly evil. They should change it to something that's more likely to appeal to Iraqis. (Drinking Water) Of course for the free market to work Blackwater's got to have competition using deadly force without government control, and these days they do. Time was Saddam Hussein had a monopoly on violence against Iraqi citizens, (Clobber baron) but this war has really put atrocities back in the hands of the people. Private militias are springing up everywhere. (Literally booming) There's the Mahdi Army, Al-Qaeda in Iraq, and Sunni insurgents. Market forces (Market forces) will sort this whole thing out, because when it comes to getting killed, innocent Iraqis have never had so many choices.

        And that's the Word.

      • Stephen: (on the chupacabra in Texas) Of course some cynics don't see this as a threat. The local veterinarian said the animal could have been just "…part of a mutated litter of dogs" that may have a "…preference for blood." Oh good. It's not the chupacabra, it's just packs of mutant blood drinking dogs. Sleep tight kids! I'll just leave your window open for some fresh air tonight. Whatever it is it's clearly another invader making it's way across our border to steal jobs from American mythical creatures like Bigfoot and Dennis Kucinich.

      • Stephen: Tonight, a US contractor gets kicked out of Iraq for shooting civilians. Don't get any ideas, regular Army!

    • NOTES (1)

    • ALLUSIONS (2)

      • The caption "The Mothers Karamazov" is a play on the title of Dostoevsky's 1880 novel The Brothers Karamazov.

      • The caption, "Oh Blackwater, keep on shooting," is a play on the Doobie Brothers song "Black Water" and a line in the chorus that goes, "Oh black water, keep on rolling."

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