The Colbert Report

Season 4 Episode 29

Jennifer 8. Lee

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Mar 04, 2008 on Comedy Central
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Jennifer 8. Lee
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Tonight Stephen welcomes New York Times reporter and author of The Fortune Cookie Chronicles: Adventures in the World of Chinese Food, Jennifer 8. Lee. Also, Stephen lets the President of the Catholic League William Donohue express Stephen's outrage over comments made by Rev. John Hagee. Later, Stephen takes a phone call for the Chairman of the Democratic National Committee, Howard Dean about who will win the Texas & Ohio primaries.moreless

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    • TRIVIA (1)

    • QUOTES (6)

      • Stephen: Is Chinese food safer to eat then Chinese toys?

      • Stephen: I am no fan of the criminal justice system. I say if you are wearing an orange jumpsuit then you are guilty... of a fashion crime.

      • Stephen: This is harder then giving up mirrors for Lent.

      • Stephen: I'm no fan of March Madness but it sure beats February Syphilis. This is the Colbert Report!

      • Stephen: John McCain yells at Barack Obama. To be fair, Obama was on McCain's lawn.

      • Stephen: ...and it brings us to tonight's Word: Experience. Senator McCain is running on one thing. (Lipitor?) Jimmy?

        [Video Clips: John McCain: I believe that my experience and background qualifies me to lead….I have the judgment and the experience…I have the experience…my life, my experience…experience…experience…that's because I have the experience…]

        Stephen: Exactly! Look at the man! Clearly he has hundreds of years of experience! And yet when you question his record he says this: "I want to make it very clear: this is not about decisions that were made in the past." Now, "decisions that were made in the past" is how people without experience define experience. (Also, people with dictionaries) So how can McCain claim to be more qualified of a candidate because of his experience yet also claim that any history of bad decisions is irrelevant? (Because Huckabee is unelectable?) Easy. Experience! You see he's experienced enough to know that some experience is relevant, like the fact that he has experience, while other experience like his previous experiences are irrelevant. (Been there, forgot that) But there is an easier way to say it. Jim? [Video Clips: John McCain: We are where we are now…we are where we are now….]

        Stephen: Now for all those Obamamaniacs out there I am not just taking John McCain's word for it. When he says "We are where we are" I verify it with my Where-o-Meter. I made this [picks up prop]…there's some fans of Arts & Crafts in the audience tonight. I made this form an old Scientology E-meter. I do not need it anymore now that I am a clear. (Thetan-free since '03!)Here's how it works: this, We Are Where? needle measures where we are. As you can see presently we are where we are. Now this we are where we were segment, that's experience, it cannot be questioned because we're not there. That's why they call this EXperience, like ex-wife. (Don't ask McCain about her either) Also it doesn't make sense to ask McCain where he'll take us when we are where we will be, 'cause we're not there either. (Like Bob Dylan) We are where we are! This is where McCain says we can question him. (Also on The Daily Show) We can question him only in the pastless and futureless present, this infinitely thin slice of existence, the zero dimension theoretical plotpoint of the now, where eternity intersects time. And if that's what he's saying, the question is not "Senator, how did you vote" or "Senator when will we withdraw" but "Senator McCain, are you high?" (Are you experienced?) And that's the Word.

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