The Colbert Report

Season 3 Episode 37

Jerome Groopman

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Mar 19, 2007 on Comedy Central
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Jerome Groopman
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Tonight Stephen welcomes Harvard physician and staff writer for the New Yorker and author of How Doctors Think, Jerome Groopman
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    • TRIVIA (1)

    • QUOTES (6)

      • Stephen: Senior citizens speak out against the Iraq war. Did they make the Iraq study group report in a large print edition?

      • Stephen: My guest tonight has written a book about how doctors think. Grey's Anatomy has already taught us how doctors feel.

      • Stephen: Anyone who knows me, knows, folks, I've always been tough on crime. When I was nine, I placed the Hamburgler under citizen's arrest.

      • Stephen: Then, I'll talk to Jerome Groopman, authour of How Doctors Think. I'll tell him to sit still, he may feel a little prick.

      • Stephen: South Carolina allows prisoners to donate their organs. I picked the wrong time to invest in baboon hearts.

      • Stephen: …and it's the subject of tonight's Word: Pound Of Flesh. In Shakespeare's Merchant of Venice, Shylock gets to take a pound of Antonio's flesh if he doesn't pay back his debt. Well, prisoners have a debt to society, and it's about time we applied Shylock's legal wisdom. (Quality of mercy is overrated) Americans are starting to discover the untapped natural resource that is our prisoner population. (They can be made into ethanol?) You see folks, 1 out of every 136 Americans is in prison. To put that in perspective, everyone in your high school who you though could have gone to jail, did. (Not even counting the gym teachers) Many prisoners are already answering customer support calls, cleaning highways and being used as guinea pigs for pharmaceutical companies. (Like everyone else) But this is the first time we've tried harvesting their ripe, healthy organs. (Fresh from the "can") And you know what? Why shouldn't we? We taxpayers are doling out hard earned cash to keep those organs alive, I say we get first dibs. And the program will finally give organ donation the legitimacy it so richly deserves. (No more back of the driver's license)

        Until now people gave up their kidneys for free, that literally made them worthless. This will finally put a price on them. (Everything must go!) Plus ripping out the renal system is a great idea for the penal system. (It's true because it rhymes) The way to solve the problem to solve overcrowding is to take this thing even further. Let's cut out the middleman, (Or at least the middleman's liver) instead of sending prisoners off to jail, lets just sentence convicted criminals to give up body parts. Petty theft: drain a pint of blood. Tax evasion: scoop out your bone marrow. Aggravated assault: give me your lungs. (Hope you weren't attached to them) It's basically, folks, this is basically the death penalty in a few easy installments. (Plus: Free pasta strainer!) South Carolina's plan will help criminals do something for the good of society and let society look beyond the fact that prisoners have made a mistake and see them for what they really are. (Pounds of flesh)

        And that's the Word.

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