The Colbert Report Season 3 Episode 74

Stephen: To me, everyday is the fourth of July, which is why so many of my cheques get returned. This is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: My guest is Jessica Valenti, author of Full Frontal Feminism. Call me old-fashioned but I prefer feminism that leaves a little something to the imagination.

Stephen: …which brings us to tonight's Word: Mission Control. NASA's mission statement doesn't say anything about protecting the planet. (Don't tell the Martians) Sure, it used to say part of NASA's mission was quote: "…to understand and protect our home planet…" but last year someone deleted that section. That someone? Michael Griffin. He made the mission better, it's as if by just removing a few words he changed "Houston, we have a problem" to "Houston, wheeeee!" NASA once again has shown the right stuff. (To please right wing) Folks, other government agencies should follow their lead. (Housing & Urban Development…In Space!) For instance: the EPA. The EPA recently claimed they didn't have the right to regulate greenhouse gasses, the Supreme Court said they did. (Emission not accomplished) Here's where the EPA went wrong, quote: "The mission of the Environmental Protection Agency is to protect human health and the environment." Come on Environmental Protection Agency! You've gotta make it more vague. And try losing the words "environmental" and "protection." (Also lose "clean", "air", and "act")

The U.S. Department of Agriculture has a similar problem. Arkansas based Creekstone Farms want to test 100% of their cattle for Mad Cow Disease instead of the 1/10th of 1% that the USDA. mandates. (Beef still safer than spinach) The USDA took them to court to try to stop them from testing and the USDA lost, again, because of their mission statement. Quote: "We provide leadership on food, agriculture, natural resources, and related issues based on sound public policy, the best available science, and efficient management." Too many words. Before they go to appeal they should edit that down to: "We provide efficient management." And folks, what's more efficient that doing nothing? (Doing nothing in a hybrid?) These bureaucracies need to stop getting shanghaied by their stated goals. And NASA's Michael Griffin needs to stick to his guns. Actually, he might want to add "gun" to his mission statement. Something like "Back off, I have a gun!" After all he might need to have to defend himself from the enviro-nuts when he makes statements about global warming like this:

[Audio: Michael Griffin: To assume that it is a problem is to assume that the state of Earth's climate today is the optimal climate, the best climate that we could have or ever have had.]

Stephen: Well said, Mr. Griffin. If only that sentiment could be boiled down into a new mission statement. {"NASA: What's the worst that could happen?"} More on that in tomorrow's Word, but for tonight: that's the Word.

Stephen: No, Girls gone Wild is cool.
Jessica: Well, you know, for some women if that is what they are into...
Stephen: It's very empowering
Jessica: I don't know if I'd call it...
Stephen: Nothing is more empowering then a string of beads.
Jessica: Well that's Mardi gra that's not necessarily Girls Gone Wild, right?
Stephen: Well that's where the best Girls Gone Wild videos are taken is my understanding.
Jessica: Oh.
Stephen: Yeah. If you have the largest crop at that point.
Jessica: Gotcha.
Stephen: I believe guys who shoot those are just pursating women as a harvest.
Jessica: As a harvest?
Stephen: Yes.
Jessica: There you go.
Stephen: Yeah, don't you?
Jessica: Not really, no. I think and I think, my issue with Girls Gone Wild and I talk about it in the book is not so much if women want to do it for themselves that's fine, but i have a hard time be that they are actually flashing their boobs for their own pleasure.
Stephen: Um...(at a loss for words) You see, now, now I'm just picturing women flashing their boobs for pleasure.

Stephen: When they saw my video the Korean press lashed out check out this scathing article from Yahoo! Korea."(Insert Korean characters.)" Now circle, squiggle, guy sitting in chair, sure. But box and something that looks like a pagoda? That's uncalled for! That hurt.