The Colbert Report

Season 4 Episode 126

Jim Cramer

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Oct 06, 2008 on Comedy Central
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Tonight Stephen welcomes the host of Mad Money, Jim Cramer.

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      • Stephen: Tonight: The Vice Presidential debate: I'm impartial, but gosh darn it, I think it was pretty doggone good. Plus: Global markets meltdown. Turns out every language contains the word: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa!! Then my guest is high strung financial expert Jim Cramer. I hope the first three rows brought ponchos for when his head explodes. Hey, I Am America And So Can You 2009 Desk Calendar, how dare you be available at bookstores everywhere. This is the Colbert Report.

      • Stephen: The message is clear, the only way to clean up this mess is to reduce what I won't say is responsible for it, I don't want to argue, which brings us to tonight's Word: Maverick Without A Cause. Now folks, seems like a lot of voters out there are obsessed with what "caused" our present problems, maybe that's why for all their talk of the future, the Obama/Biden ticket is always talking about the past. (McCain only talks about Obama's past) Just listen to Uncle Joe on global warming.

        [Video: Joe Biden: If you don't understand what the cause is, it's virtually impossible to come up with a solution. We know what the cause is, the cause is man made.]

        Stephen: Man made, Senator? That is so sexist. Governor Palin has proved she can emit carbon as well as any man. For Pete's sake, she and her husband take snowmobile trips. That is like mowing your lawn for 500 miles. (Actually, Palin cuts grass with shotgun) Now Sarah Palin called him out.

        [Video: Sarah Palin: Say it ain't so Joe, there you go again, pointing backwards again…]

        Stephen: Say it ain't so Joe. No better way to show you're the candidate of the future than to reference the 1919 Black Sox scandal. Now evidently Biden has forgotten that every problem that has ever threatened our country can be traced directly back to a cause. (Or blamed on immigrants) I say that make causes our country's greatest enemy. (Sorry, gay marriage) But Biden still wants to understand causes. Why doesn't he just hold hands and sing Kumbaya with them? Attention is just what these causes want, I say we ignore them. (Worked with Afghanistan) Now John McCain did it in the first Presidential debate, listen to him put the causes of the Iraq War behind him.

        [Video: John McCain: The next President of the United States is not going to have to address the issue as to whether we win in Iraq or not. The next President is going to have to decide how we leave, when we leave and what we leave behind.]

        Stephen: Yes. The first thing we need to leave behind is any record of who voted to go in. (For instance, Joe Biden) But some Americans and their candidate Barack Obama want to legitimize causes, to sit down with causes without preconditions. Well, I dream of a day when my children can live in a world without the shackles of cause and effect, when things will happen for no understandable reason and we can respond randomly. What a magical time that will be. (The 13th century) America will feel young again, I mean really young, like an infant. You see babies don't understand why things happen, they just get excited when they do. And under a McCain administration we can have that feeling every day. ("Hey! My retirement savings are gone!") Life will be an endless stream of surprises. ("Hey, there's an oil well in my backyard!") So if you want real candidates of change, go with the team that is so committed to a brighter tomorrow, they won't discuss what happened yesterday. (Mavericks without a cause)

        And that's the Word.

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