The Colbert Report

Season 3 Episode 2

Jim Cramer

0
Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Jan 09, 2007 on Comedy Central
8.1
out of 10
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9 votes
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Jim Cramer
AIRED:
Tonight Stephen welcomes the host of Mad Money and author of Mad Money: Watch TV, Get Rich, Jim Cramer.

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SUBMIT REVIEW
  • 2.9
    Meh... it's your typical episode with the return of on of the original guests, Mad Money's Jim Cramer. When you watch him on this show, you see how much his character on Mad Money is an act. This guy is a humble, almost shy person. Yeah, I just got done reviewing the last episode and saying that the perfect guest is somewhere in the middle of shy and overbearing. Jim Cramer might eek into that category, but he's kinda too quiet... I dunno, maybe my rating was a bit harsh, I'm just going low because I'm sitting here IMMEDIATELY after wathcing the episode and I'm unable to remember any funny moments... not a good sign for a classic episode.moreless

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  • TRIVIA (2)

  • QUOTES (2)

    • Stephen: I'm the frosting on America's cake. Tonight, I'll let you lick the bowl. This is the Colbert Report!

    • Stephen: …and it's the subject of tonight's Word: Texas Hold 'Em. Folks, Iraq is a geo-political gamble and a lot of folks think the President is in the hole. (But not a foxhole) Well, I'm not saying he's down a couple of chips but he's still holding the cards. (And telling us to "Go Fish") Tomorrow night's speech could be the defining moment of the Bush Presidency, (Otherwise, it's choking on that pretzel) just like Lincoln expressing the nobility of the Union's cause at Gettysburg and Roosevelt rallying a nation after Pearl Harbor or Bill Clinton lying about his hummer, history remembers how a leader handles adversity. (By squandering global goodwill within three years) So, Mr. President, put on your poker face and let's do this speech. I've got some pointers.

      First of all, unlike most speeches don't start this speech with a joke, this is war, so it would have to be a really good joke. ("A Sunni, a Shiite, and a Kurd blow up a bar…") Secondly you've got to make it clear that this action is a surge, not an escalation. Escalation is a word the Democrats are using. Surge is masculine, it's aggressive. Like, he tore off her space-bodice and surged into her loins. (Tek Jansen, pg. 374) Now escalation on the other hand is what old people do at a ball. Now Mr. President, send a clear message to the insurgents and your critics here that no matter how many casualties we absorb or no matter how many civilians are killed you can't be stopped. Because politically, you're already dead, you can keep marching on like a one man zombie army.

      Now by placing your bet, word is you're going to call for 20,000 troops. Sir, up the ante, 20,000's not enough. John McCain's 50,000? Not enough. Lindsay Graham's 100,000? Not enough. Even General Shinseki's pre-war estimate of 300,000 troops doesn't cut it. ("Wildly off the mark" – Paul Wolfowitz) No, Mr. President, you need to bet nothing less than 300 million troops. Now I know what everybody's saying: Stephen, that's putting every man, woman and child in the United States in the military. (Minus gays) Exactly. It will solve a lot of our problems. For years critics over in Paul Krugman's stand have been saying, you're not asking Americans to sacrifice for this war. Send them to Iraq, problem solved. Take it from your old buddy John McCain.

      [Video: John McCain: I would certainly ask Americans to serve, I would ask them to make other sacrifices, but I'm not sure I would want to raise their taxes just because we're in a war…]

      Stephen: Well said, I think we'd all rather face an IED than the IRS. And once the entire United States is uninhabited, it won't be a terrorist target. You can lower the alert level to green, low, homeland secure. (And redecorated by remaining gays) So tomorrow, sir, I beg you Mr. President, tomorrow lay your balls on that green felt and go all in. You're Presidency may be almost over but your legacy can live forever. All you've got to do is not lose this war. (Texas Fold 'Em)

      And that's the Word.

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