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Stephen: Tonight: President Obama's first year in office. If he was as good a leader as Sarah Palin, he'd be retired by now. Then: Terror at our nation's airports. Have you seen what Delta's charging for luggage? And my guest John Farmer will take us behind the scenes of national security. Al-Qeada, turn off your televisions. Never let them see you sweat, especially in HD because it looks like a mudslide. This is the Colbert Report.
Stephen: But one year later, I have to ask: Has Barack Obama failed, or has he succeeded at failing, which brings us to tonight's Word: Two-Faced. Folks, Obama's Presidency has been the biggest disappointment since William Henry Harrison failed to keep his campaign promise to live 41 days. Obama promised change, but everything's exactly the way it was a year ago. (Including the host of The Tonight Show) And folks, I am not the only one who's noticed it.
[Video Clips: Pundit: Obama has not accomplished anything….
Erick Erickson: He doesn't seem to be able to lead, he's been dithering…
Pundit: He hasn't delivered on anything
Bill O'Reilly: Obama hasn't done anything
Sean Hannity: He's really accomplished nothing]
Stephen: Yeah! He's been in office a year and hasn't cleared a single piece of brush. (Lieberman filibustered the chainsaw) But the fact that Obama has done nothing is only half the story. Even more disturbing is how much he has done.
[Video Clips: Sean Hannity: Barack Obama is, he's taken over banks and car companies and financial institutions…
Charles Krauthammer: The administration has taken over the auto industy….
Glenn Beck: The U.S. government has taken over and is running giant corporations….
Sarah Palin: He's going to change our capitalistic society…
Rick Santorum: …change our economy, change our social structure….
Erick Erickson: If Obama has his way we're going to be enslaved to the government.]
Stephen: Enslaved! That's what those shovel ready jobs were for, Obama is building a Sphinx! You see folks, Barack Obama is both an iron fisted autocrat and a laughably incompetent waffler. I've said it before, he's Adolph Carter. Now, saying that Obama is doing nothing and destroying everything may seem contradictory to some people, but not to the people who don't understand the word contradictory. (Oxy-morons) You see folks, I am an absolutist. (i.e. Drinks a lot of vodka) Things are either all black or things are all white, so when Obama both takes over the auto industry yet folds on all his health care promises, it's life he's being half black and half white. How is that even possible? Now some say that Obama is just complex, and that while he has ambitious policy goals, he's willing to accomplish them through repeated compromise because he understands that America believes in moderation. (Except with fried food) Now I suppose that could explain conservatives wildly inconsistent descriptions of his behavior, (So could oxycontin withdrawal) but I believe that there is a simpler explanation: There are two Barack Obamas.
Consider this: you never see them in the same room together. Think about it. Not much. It's like the mirror universe episode in Star Trek where good Kirk dithers over how to save the alien race, and evil Kirk tries to sell them cut rate hotel rooms on Priceline. Well folks, I say it's time to end this deception. America's pundits don't know when to express paralyzing fear and when to express dismissive contempt, (Settled on paralyzing contempt) that's why I am calling on the tyrant Obama to visually distinguish himself form milquetoast Obama by growing an evil twin goatee. That way when we see this guy [Clean shaven Obama] we know to say this:
[Video: Glenn Beck: It's the first Nobel Prize given for attendance.]
Stephen: And when we see this guy [Evil Goatee Obama] we know to say this:
[Video: Glenn Beck: He is dismantling the United States one piece at a time.]
Stephen: Because either there are two completely different Barack Obama's, or in his first year in office, during a time of unprecedented national crisis, we conservatives pundits are attacking our President no matter what he does or doesn't do. And that would make us a**holes. And that's the Word.
Threatdown: Airport Security Edition
3: Old People
2: Mikey Hicks
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