The Colbert Report

Season 5 Episode 27

John Fetterman

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Feb 25, 2009 on Comedy Central
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Tonight Stephen welcomes the Mayor of Braddock, Pennsylvania, John Fetterman.
Today
9:45am
COMEDY
11:30pm
COMEDY
Tuesday
1:30am
COMEDY
11:30pm
COMEDY
Wednesday
1:30am
COMEDY
11:30pm
COMEDY
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      • Stephen: Tonight: Obama's address to Congress…or at least what I can hear through: (sticks fingers in his ears) lalalalalalalalala. And my guest Mayor John Fetterman is offering up his bankrupt town for experiments. Sounds like a great place to move Gitmo. It's Ash Wednesday. For Lent, I'm giving up listening. This is the Colbert Report.

      • Stephen: Now this personal attack on me brings us to tonight's Word: Ablacknophobia. Oh! Oh! Brave people talk about race? Fact is, it takes courage not to talk about race with all the peer pressure from people like Eric Holder. Come on man, all the cool kids are talking about Mexicans! (Lou Dobbs is cool?) Now I work very hard to not to be able to even see race. It's basically the same concentration you need to see a Magic Eye poster. [Poster pops up] I see a black guy! Now you really think I couldn't talk about race if I really wanted to? I grew up in South Carolina in the 1960s. In kindergarten I heard racial slurs that could strip the paint of a hen house. In fact, back then, that's how farmers did it. (With an N-word here, and an N-word there) Since when folks, is it such a good idea to talk about race? You know who talked about race? Reverend Wright.

        [Video: Reverend Wright: (singing) If you got some white friends, they'll be clapping like this, ya'll.]

        Stephen: Offensive! For the record, not all white people clap like that. Many of us snap and stomp. (At a Dave Matthews concert) You know who else talks about race? (New Jersey state troopers) Folks, the KKK, they talk about race all the time, and I'm going to go out on a limb here and say it hasn't helped. You want me to talk about race? Fine. I'll talk about race. And to prove that I'm not a coward, I'll do it while passing my hand through an open flame. All right: There were no black people at my Superbowl party. Whoo! You want more? You want more? Okay, now I will speak frankly about rap music while eating dollar store peanut butter: Okay rap, I can't stand all the shouting. Plus it's confusing. I can't tell if a shorty is a baby or the woman who had the baby. Yes! I'm two for two. I know what Eric Holder's really talking about here is having one on one human conversations about race. So right now, I'm going to talk to an actual black man that I just met. Come on out here Duke.

        Now, Duke, you are a black man, correct?
        Duke: Correct.
        Stephen: Perfect. Well right now, we're going to have a little dialogue about race while you cover me with tarantulas.
        Duke: Sounds good to me. (puts spider on Stephen's arm)
        Stephen: Oh my God! So Duke, what's it like to be black?
        Duke: It's fine. (puts spider on Stephen shoulder)
        Stephen: Okay that's interesting. Were you offended….Oh sh*t….Were you offended by that chimpanzee cartoon in the New York Post?
        Duke: Don't read the Post.
        Stephen: Now uh, did you lack opportunities growing up?
        Duke: Not really.
        Stephen: Ah, then it turned out all right for you because you've got this uh. (Duke puts spider on Stephen's head) You got the sweet spider job here. Okay…Oh God! Oh God! Jesus Christ! I am so sorry for slavery! Just take the spider off my head! Take the spider off my head!!! (Duke takes the spider off) Did it lay eggs in my hair?
        Duke: Nope.
        Stephen: Are you sure!?
        Duke: Yep.
        Stephen: Wow. So this is that talking about race is like. It's terrifying. I guess I am a coward. Well, Attorney General Holder, looks like I owe you an apology. You are welcome on my show anytime for a frank conversation about race as long as I can cover you with spiders. (Ablacknophobia)

        And that's the Word.

      • Stephen: First, a wag of my finger at gorillas. And don't pretend you can't understand me gorillas, I know some of you speak sign language. According to researchers at the University of Florida, human pubic lice can be traced back to gorillas. You damn dirty apes! You gave us crabs! Scientists say that early humans probably quote: "…picked up the parasites by simply living in close proximity to gorillas, perhaps using the animals' sleeping sites." Oh that old story. Honey, I didn't bang that gorilla, I was just using its sleeping site. I've heard it a thousand times. Shame on you gorillas, seducing early man with your sweet silverbacks without warning us you were rife with groin spiders. Well now why Mario was so mad at that Donkey….Kong. I haven't recovered from those spiders yet.

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