The Colbert Report

Season 3 Episode 126

John Kao

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Oct 04, 2007 on Comedy Central
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John Kao
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Tonight Stephen welcomes entrepreneur, educator and author of Innovation Nation: How America Is Losing Its Innovation Edge, Why It Matters, and What We Can Do to Get It Back, John Kao.
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    • TRIVIA (1)

    • QUOTES (5)

      • Stephen: The administration has achieved the peaceful disarmament of North Korea which brings us to tonight's Word: Catastrophe. Folks, there is a real danger here that this triumph of diplomacy could make people think diplomacy can triumph, and we know that's especially with terror states like North Korea. President Bush told us in 2002 that North Korea is one of the three tentacles of the deadly three-armed octopus known at the Axis of Evil. (Technically a tri-topus) They are a state sponsor of terror and we do not negotiate with terrorists. (On the first date) That is something this administration has made clear from the beginning.

        [Video: Scott McClellan: We do not negotiate with terrorists.
        Vice President Dick Cheney: We don't negotiate with terrorists.
        President Bush: No nation can negotiate with terrorists.]

        Stephen: Or with a nation harboring terrorists. (Just joking, Saudi Arabia) Now back in 2001, Vice President Cheney explained that we wouldn't continue President Clinton's talks with North Korea because quote: "We don't negotiate with evil, we defeat it." (Or at least shoot it in the face) The worst part about this "diplomatic victory" is that North Korea is getting three hundred million dollars worth of fuel oil and aid. (Plus free football phone) Folks, only 300 million dollars? And we're splitting the aid package with three other countries. Since when does America go Dutch? This whole negotiation makes us look like a cheap date. Back in 2003 we could have tried one of these cash for peace negotiations with Iraq, but we went first class. (Cashed in Colin Powell's reputation miles) We went with a full scale invasion, half a trillion dollars. That kind of cash makes a statement. ("Tough luck, grandkids.")

        Now luckily there's a way to save this situation: America must invade North Korea immediately, while we still have time to make it look like they disarmed because we attacked. (Might make might look right) And really folks, if you think about it, we have no choice. He is a brutal dictator who has killed his own people and he's threatening his neighbors with weapons of mass destruction. I don't understand why we're not going in. (They didn't try to kill Bush's daddy) I believe that those starving people will greet us as liberators. (And source of protein) But if for some reason we are not able to snatch military success from the jaws of diplomatic victory, we should do the next best thing and claim it was our policy all along.

        And that's the Word.

      • Stephen: I am tired of falling asleep fearing the sasquatch.

      • Stephen: I already picked out my Halloween costume. I'm going as a guy who's always right. This is the Colbert Report!

      • Stephen: The US negotiates with North Korea. See? I told you Bush was Truman!

      • Stephen: I look at the dangers of hybrid cars. Danger number one, you can't shut up about how you drive a hybrid car!

    • NOTES (1)

      • Threatdown (Science and Technology Edition)
        5: Remote Control Toys.
        4: Hybrid Cars.
        3: Sloppy Scientists.
        2: White Chocolate.
        1: Robots.

    • ALLUSIONS (0)

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