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Stephen: AT & Treason.
Stephen: My next guest is a 5 time grammy winner. Big deal! I hear they give those away for a song.....
Stephen: If you can cut a steak, you can remove a gall bladder.
Stephen: It's no secret, I am against universal health care. Health care for the entire universe? Why should my tax dollars pay for Pluto's planet re-assignment surgery?
Stephen: I don't know if you've noticed this but we're all going to die. America is in danger and who is to blame? As usual, the democrats.
Stephen: Daylight savings time starts this Sunday. Maybe that will get us out of this daylight debt crisis. This is the Colbert Report!
Stephen: News about cholesterol you don't want to miss, unless you are having a heart attack. In which case, go to the hospital.
Stephen: …which brings us to tonight's Word: AT & Treason. You see folks, the biggest way the Protect America Act would protect America is by granting retroactive immunity to the telecom companies that helped the government violate their customers so called "privacy." Without immunity they could get their pants sued off them! (Ma Bell bottoms) These companies are American heroes, when the President needed help they reported for duty. (By reporting everybody) Now folks, they need our help, but the Democrat Congress refuses to give them the protection they deserve under the law. (Technically, above it) Every second these companies can't tap your phone with immunity, our intelligence services miss intercepting millions of potential terrorist phone calls and text messages. (Allah is Gr8) Now luckily the House Republican minority has launched a campaign to urge passage of Protect America with this brave commercial.
[Video: countdown clock, the Mike McConnell says the danger will increase more and more, then Steny Hoyer says: There is no urgency…repeatedly as the countdown clock resumes with footage of terrorists playing]
Stephen: Finally, an answer to the question: What if Abraham Lincoln wrote an episode of 24. (Crazy terrorist actually Mary Todd) But nation, that commercial was evidently not scary enough. Luckily telecom companies have given us the perfect weapon to scare the sweet & sour bejezus out of the American people: the telephone itself!
[Video: Clips from When A Stranger Calls, Silence of the Lambs, Scream, The Ring, Nightmare on Elm Street…ending with Hillary Clinton's phone ad.]
Stephen: Oh! That last one caught my by surprise. If the phone companies really want immunity, here's how they need to scare us. Make one of those robo-calls where a celebrity gives you a personalized promotional message. In this case the message is fear and the celebrity is Osama Bin Laden. [Phone Call: Hello, STEPHEN, I hope you are enjoying your job in MEDIA & ENTERTAINMENT. If the Protect America Act is not renewed I will blow up your SUBURBAN HOUSE, your BUICK LESABRE and your SEA-DOO JET SKI. Allah is better than JESUS. Death to AMERICA. Goodbye!]
Stephen: Nation, call your Congressman and tell them you want America to be protected. In fact, call anyone, the right people will be listening. (Can you bug me now?) And that's the Word.
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