The Colbert Report

Season 3 Episode 124

John Mearsheimer

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Oct 02, 2007 on Comedy Central
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John Mearsheimer
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Tonight Stephen welcomes University of Chicago political scientist and co-author of The Israel Lobby and U.S. Foreign Policy, John Mearsheimer.
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    • TRIVIA (1)

    • QUOTES (5)

      • Stephen: Paul Krugman or Paul Betrayus. Hurts. Oh, it's on Beardy. Here's a little deal. If your little book outsells mine, I will stop doing my tv show but...
        (Stephen smiles at the audience as they respond)...Don't, Don't worry. But if I outsell you, you have to eat your precious liberal conscious, symbolized, as it was for Pinocchio, by a cricket.

      • Stephen: Nation, I was reading the USA Today this morning and I saw a headline in Section D Life that really caught me off guard..."Could this be the end for the universe," page 7D. I am glad the USA Today has its priorities straight. A story like the end of the universe is definitely not something you want to put on the front page. No, you want to save that space for big stories like "John Fogerty is back home." I actually want to point out one other thing about this. "Could this be the end of the universe?" That's under a section called, "A Better Life." That's what pessimists they are over at USA Today.

      • Stephen: Hey, penny loafers! Get to work and earn that money! This is the Colbert Report!

      • Stephen: I crack down on cyber-crime. As soon as I figure out how to load my printer driver.

      • Stephen: …which brings us to tonight's Word:

        Alternate Universe Stephen: Troops Out Now. Citizens, Governor Bill Richardson broke with his fellow Democratic candidates last week when he said that as President he would pull all the troops out of Iraq and he would do it in no more than eight months. Immediately he was attacked by Barack Obama, who told the Des Moines Register that there is no way to "…get more than one or two brigades out per month…it's very important for us to do this in a responsible and safe way." What is Obama thinking? ("There's always 2016") Now I agree that Richardson's withdrawal date is wrong because he's not pulling out fast enough. I mean, eight months? We can pull our troops out over a three day weekend. I suggest Columbus Day. (America's moral authority: Now 50% off!!!) That gives us till this Friday to plan. (More planning than the war got) After all in 2003 it took less than three weeks for our troops to reach Baghdad, and that was with them carrying all their stuff. So just leave the weapons behind guys, I'm sure the Iraqis will pick them up and recycle them. (And reload them) Anyone who suggest we take more than a three day weekend to leave Iraq is not following the Pottery Barn rule: (No shirt, no shoes, no infrastructure?) You break it, you get the hell out of the store.

        Now, now look, I'm not suggesting that we don't say goodbye, no, we should definitely take an afternoon to clear up any bad feelings or miscommunication. (What's Arabic for "oops"?) Here's how we do it. We get everyone together in a circle with a bowl of M& Ms, a member of the Shi'ite militia and for everything he shares about a rival Sunni militia he gets to eat and M&M. ("M" stand for "Mutual hatred of Kurds") The Sunni militia member says "thank you for sharing" and then it's his turn to hold the bowl. (And wire it to explode) Feelings shares, problems solved, and we've still got time for trust falls. (Just not trust catches) In the meantime we should be winning hearts and minds by giving out condoms and clean needles to school children. So all this talk, all this….

        Stephen: ….but if scientists do discover an alternate universe, we need to invade that to. (Troops out now) And that's the Word. Um, that wasn't the Word….or was it?

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