The Colbert Report

Season 3 Episode 91

John Mellencamp

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Jul 18, 2007 on Comedy Central
8.4
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John Mellencamp
AIRED:
Tonight Stephen welcomes musician John Mellencamp.

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    Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions

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    • TRIVIA (1)

    • QUOTES (4)

      • John: See, I think this is all phoney.

        Stephen: What's phoney?

        John: I bet you've never been in a fight in your life.

        Stephen: Look, I have a playground and I scratched a few eyes out, alright? You want to arm wrestle?

        John: No, no.

        Stephen: You want to arm wrestle? Come on, let's do it! (Pushes John.) (Pushes table over.) Come on mother f*****! Let's do this thing!

        John: Oh, no.(Laughs.) See, the thing he mistaken is that I'm for peace, but I am not I am not a pacifist. So young man.(Raises fist.)

        Stephen: Tell you what, why don't you do a song instead?

      • Stephen: But, it was a fantastic night for this network because I was on the air twenty-four hours straight. (Reply from nobody.) What's that, they cut me off at midnight? Well, it's all for the best. I'm sure that four a.m. confession about prescription cough serum was probably ill-advised. (Reply from nobody.) We're on the air now? Well, can someone please give me something that tells me when I'm on the air and when I'm not? (Reply from nobody.) I thought the little red light on the camera meant the camera was angry at me. (Reply from nobody.) Well, how should I know what I did? Camera, I'm sorry. Moving on... (Turns to a new camera.) Great, now this one's mad at me.

      • Stephen: …and that brings us to tonight's Word: :) . What Americans want to believe is more important than what's actually happening. And what we want to believe is that we're winning. (A fabulous 10 year trip to Iraq!) That is why we re-elected George Bush back in 2004. A lot of people had doubts about this war but the President kept saying we will win it! (He might have meant Ohio) So, America rejected John Kerry and voted for the President unanimously, or so I'd like to believe. And when it comes to what Americans want to believe, like Tony Snow says, visuals always help. This [bombed out mosque] is not what we want to believe, this [video of sleepy kitten] is. How could kittens fall asleep in a world where Iraq was not on its way towards becoming a democracy!? But visuals aren't enough! Tony Snow knows: "We need a surge of facts..." Facts that confirm what America wants to believe. Sure it's a fact when a bomb goes off in a market in Baghdad, but doesn't that mean it's also a fact that a bomb did not go off in a market in Tikrit? Actually, one went off there too, but that's not the point. (Point only available to premium members) The fact is President Bush does not believe we should bring our troops home until we've won, but if we can all believe we've won the President can believe it's time to bring them home. Everybody gets what they want. (Especially Iran) We have to fight them here [in head] so we can stop fighting them over there.

        And that's the Word.

      • Stephen: Ok, so we're lining up after recess and there she is, Debra Downing, the girl I had a crush on since kidnigarden. And she says to me, "Do you like kickball?". I love kickball, it was my favorite thing in the world. Hell, I was holding a kickball. But do I say I like kickball? No, I look to her and say I don't know.(starts to cry)She walks away... Ok, so who's up next? Preschool, Abby MCfearsin. (timer rings)Aha! There, I broadcast my show for twenty-four hours straight in solidarity of Republicans durning their forced over night debate in the senate. And it is over, whooo! I did it! Also, that means my twenty-four hour egg is ready. I do hate a runny yolk. This is the Colbert(yells in a raspy voice)Report!

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