Stephen: Tonight: Al1 177 House Republicans say no to Obama's stimulus package. Shhh! Don't tell them they don't control the House anymore. Plus: Much like this Sunday's Superbowl, I will have commercials. Then my guest is Jon Podesta, head of Barack Obama's transition team. Well, there's one job created by the Bush administration. Scotch tape: either change your name or get me drunk. I nearly choked last night. This is the Colbert Report.
Stephen: Well last night I saw 177 profiles in courage and they bring us to tonight's Word: The Audacity of Nope. Folks, right now bankers are scared to lend, consumers are scared to spend and hedge fund managers are scared to do whatever it is that hedge fund managers do. (Cocaine) Now, we don't need a package filled with handouts like the TARP program, we need one filled with balls. (The S.A.C.K. Program) And yesterday 177 House Republicans put their nuts on the line and said: No, we will not vote for this bill that we know will pass anyway. Our only regret is that we have but one ass to cover for our country. (Butt fear itself) Now of course folks, the strong arming from Obama to pass this bill was relentless.
[Video: Rep. John Boehner: Well, we had a very good dialogue with the President…
Rep: Cathy McMorris Rodgers: House Republicans sincerely appreciate the President coming and meeting with us. We are inspired and challenged to work harder….
Rep. Eric Cantor: Frankly it's the third time that he has met with Republicans…That is encouraging…
Rep. Jim Campbell: I don't think a person walked out of that room not feeling that they liked him…He was candid, he was funny, the tone was very good…the atmosphere was very good…The President…he's very good.]
Stephen: If it weren't for Prop 8, this guy [Rep. Campbell] would be Mrs. Obama by now. Ladies and gentlemen, the magnificent 177 offered their own substitute stimulus package: 100 % tax cuts with no estimated cost. These men don't just have balls, they are balls. Giant walking balls! Scenting the halls of Congress with their rich musk! (Finally a set to go with the Washington Monument) I mean, ladies and gentlemen, just take a good whiff. Just take a good whiff of minority leader John Boehner, who described last night's 244-188 vote as quote: "….a bipartisan rejection of a partisan bill." This man doesn't know the meaning of the word quit. (Or bipartisan) And you have to know, this was not an easy vote, but Republicans rallied to the task. According to politico.com, a pre-vote, G.O.P. meeting rocked to Survivor's Eye of the Tiger. I mean no song gets you more psyched up for inaction. (Should have gone with Money for Nothing) Last night's Party line vote was a great start for the 111th Congress, but these hard times demand and even larger, meaningless gesture. (For gesture, see Scalia) That is why I am calling on every Republican who voted against this bill to put no money where your mouth is. Refuse to accept a single penny of the 800 billion dollars for your Congressional district. Think of it like a hunger strike, (From an all pork diet) then just sit back and watch in glee as the Democrats face the wrath of their constituents, suffering as that 800 billion dollars tears though their district like a force five cash-o-cane. It won't be easy, but you are fighting for a principal, if we can't have a perfect bill to stimulate the economy, you would rather have no economy at all. (The audacity of nope)
And that's the Word.
Stephen Colbert: One advertiser staying in the game is Pepsi. Who, apparently, is now the official soft drink of hope. Which is ironic because if you read President Obama's biography you'd know he is a coke man.
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