The Colbert Report

Season 2 Episode 3

John Stossel

Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Jan 11, 2006 on Comedy Central
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Episode Summary

John Stossel
TONIGHT: Stephen Colbert welcomes ABC News' John Stossel!

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  • Stephen goes after the Associated Press.

    The show opens with a teaser of content from the show, which involves everything from Judge Alito hearings to John Stossel.

    Stephen starts off the show by talking about a consumer alert. Stephen warns us all about a medical magazine which doesn't sound real to him, completely ignoring the medical alert the magazine issued.

    Stephen transitions into the confirmation hearings for Judge Alito. He talks about some of the coverage of the hearings, and a joke Judge Alito told which wasn't very funny, but Stephen seemed to like it. Stephen mentions Alito offered a lot of opinions, which brings us to tonight's edition of "The Word", which is "whatever". Stephen suggests one's opinion in the past doesn't necessarily give an indication to what one would do in the future.

    Back from commercial, Stephen introduces this week's edition of "Threat Down". Number five on the list is "dads." According to Stephen, Farris Hassan's father helped him get to Iraq, the wrong place for a sixteen year-old. Number four is "robots." "Spirit" & "Opportunity" were sent to Mars to live for 30 days, but they've been up there for far longer than expected and Stephen feels that they may begin breeding. Number three is "Virginia Governor Mark Warner," who ordered new DNA tests to see if a man is really innocent. The problem is the man accused was already put to death, years ago. Number two is "bears." Normally, they get the number one spot, but they're busy hibernating. Stephen feels they're regrouping for a spring offensive. And finally, the number one threat is "The Associated Press," who have become lazy and do poor work. They improperly gave credit for the origin of the word, "truthiness".

    Back from commercial, Stephen introduces tonight's guest, John Stossel. John and Stephen discussed John's upcoming special about education and then bounced around, subject to subject.

    Stephen ends the show by talking about putting money into a piggy bank. If everyone doubles the money each year, you'll hit one trillion dollars, in the distant future. Stephen takes a few shots at the Bush administration with this segment.

    The threat down is one of my favorite segments of the show, so I was quite pleased to see it again, as the rest of the show didn't measure up to that in my opinion. The interview with Stossel wasn't that interesting, as he didn't seem all that interested in being there quite frankly.moreless

Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions


  • TRIVIA (0)

  • QUOTES (1)

    • Stephen: …which brings us to tonight's Word: Whatever. So what? So Alito wrote a memo in 1985 saying quote "The Constitution does not protect the right to an abortion." That doesn't mean he's going to overturn Roe vs Wade, or not overturn it. (Or not not overturn it) It means we just don't know what's going to happen with that. (Like the Lotto!) What someone thinks, or says or writes has nothing to do with that that person does. (Talking talk not=walking walk) How many time have you said to yourself "I'm not gonna order dessert." (I'm not going to sleep with my ex) And then that little cart rolls around, (Shakes it in your face) and the next thing you know you're popping the crust on a crème brule. (If you know what I mean) Now, what people have said in the past has no relevance to what they actually do. (See Bush, George W.) Folks face it, people change. (But they don't evolve!) We're judging Alito on something he wrote in 1985, we wouldn't judge him on what he wore in 1985, he's not the same person he was then, literally. All of your cells are replaced every seven years. (But the bubblegum in your stomach stays there)

      Plus back then, he was just speaking as a lawyer, those weren't his personal beliefs. Lawyers get paid big money not to have any personal beliefs. (Or souls) A lawyer is just trying to win, and unless a judge is an activist, he doesn't try to do anything. He just sits there, staring off into space like a Koala bear. And, as for the past 15 years of opinions Alito delivered on the Appeals Court, well they were just that, opinions. (And legal precedents) So, what he thought in the past is off limits, and you can't ask him what he thinks now, because, when is now? Is it now? No. Now? No, moments gone. Now? No, sorry, already passed. By the time you're asking what he's thinking right now, this now has become that then. (Dude, you're blowing my mind) All that matters is what he'll think in the future. And it's impossible to know how he'll rule on future Supreme Court cases. (Zorat vs Glaxxor) So Senators, stop your pointless, divisive questioning and confirm Samuel Alito. In my heart I think, I believe, I know it is the right thing to do….5 seconds ago. I can't tell you my opinion now.

      And that's the Word.

  • NOTES (0)


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