The Colbert Report

Season 2 Episode 3

John Stossel

Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Jan 11, 2006 on Comedy Central
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Episode Summary

John Stossel
TONIGHT: Stephen Colbert welcomes ABC News' John Stossel!

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Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions


  • TRIVIA (0)

  • QUOTES (1)

    • Stephen: …which brings us to tonight's Word: Whatever. So what? So Alito wrote a memo in 1985 saying quote "The Constitution does not protect the right to an abortion." That doesn't mean he's going to overturn Roe vs Wade, or not overturn it. (Or not not overturn it) It means we just don't know what's going to happen with that. (Like the Lotto!) What someone thinks, or says or writes has nothing to do with that that person does. (Talking talk not=walking walk) How many time have you said to yourself "I'm not gonna order dessert." (I'm not going to sleep with my ex) And then that little cart rolls around, (Shakes it in your face) and the next thing you know you're popping the crust on a crème brule. (If you know what I mean) Now, what people have said in the past has no relevance to what they actually do. (See Bush, George W.) Folks face it, people change. (But they don't evolve!) We're judging Alito on something he wrote in 1985, we wouldn't judge him on what he wore in 1985, he's not the same person he was then, literally. All of your cells are replaced every seven years. (But the bubblegum in your stomach stays there)

      Plus back then, he was just speaking as a lawyer, those weren't his personal beliefs. Lawyers get paid big money not to have any personal beliefs. (Or souls) A lawyer is just trying to win, and unless a judge is an activist, he doesn't try to do anything. He just sits there, staring off into space like a Koala bear. And, as for the past 15 years of opinions Alito delivered on the Appeals Court, well they were just that, opinions. (And legal precedents) So, what he thought in the past is off limits, and you can't ask him what he thinks now, because, when is now? Is it now? No. Now? No, moments gone. Now? No, sorry, already passed. By the time you're asking what he's thinking right now, this now has become that then. (Dude, you're blowing my mind) All that matters is what he'll think in the future. And it's impossible to know how he'll rule on future Supreme Court cases. (Zorat vs Glaxxor) So Senators, stop your pointless, divisive questioning and confirm Samuel Alito. In my heart I think, I believe, I know it is the right thing to do….5 seconds ago. I can't tell you my opinion now.

      And that's the Word.

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