The Colbert Report

Season 6 Episode 106

Jon Krakauer

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Aug 19, 2010 on Comedy Central
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Jon Krakauer
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Tonight Stephen welcomes adventure writer and author of Where Men Win Glory: The Odyssey of Pat Tillman, Jon Krakauer. Also, Stephen talks with assistant professor of ecology and biology at Tulane University Michael Blum about the oil spill in the Gulf.
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  • QUOTES (2)

    • Stephen: Tonight: Is there still oil in the Gulf? Or do we need to wring it out of the pelicans? And my guest Jon Krakauer is here to talk about his new book Where Men win Glory. I always thought it was easier just to inherit glory. 3 million eggs have been recalled. I'd hate to be the guy in charge of getting them back into that chicken. This is the Colbert Report.

    • Stephen: I am so angry I could do a Word: What If You Threw A Peace And Nobody Came? Nation, during the election, Barack Obama was known for one thing more than any other. (Jeremiah Wright?) He was known for speech giving. But look how he announced the impending conclusion of this war.

      [Video: President Barack Obama: I made it clear that by August 31st, 2010, America's combat mission in Iraq would end….And that is exactly what we are doing, as promised and on schedule.]

      Stephen: As promised and on schedule? That's not a declaration of victory, that's a pizza delivery slogan. (The Domino's theory) Mr. President, it is your job to commemorate significant occasions, and I think it's pretty significant when a nation can say it's down to only one war. (That we know of…) I gotta say I miss President Bush on this one. Big Dog landed on the deck of an aircraft carrier in a sack flattering flight suit and declared Mission Accomplished. That, that is how you do it! (Even when you haven't done it) Well seven long years later we have a lot more to distract us, like iPads. It's going to be harder to get us interested in the end of the war, unless there's an app for that. (iWon? iRaq?)

      So, Mr. President, here's how you should up your game. Go down to NASA and have them launch you up in the shuttle, at the edge of space grab a beer, pop the door and slide down the emergency chute. (S'Later Y'all!) Then you freefall until you rendezvous with a stealth bomber which drops its payload, a cowboy hat and wild stallion, you straddle that horse in midair and you ride it all the way down and only at the last minute you deploy two parachutes. One for you and one for your giant balls. (Horse is on its own) Now you land on top of the Washington Monument and you skateboards down the west face of that baby, pop a 360 Ollie into the Reflecting Pool where you wrestle a great white shark dressed up like Saddam Hussein, to the death. (Ooo! Just missed Shark Week) Then you stride to a podium, where the Army Corps of Engineers have constructed a megaphone out of the Liberty Bell, and with a voice so clear, so righteous that angels get boners. (aka "Popping a Cherub") You sir, declare unto this nation, victory is ours!!! (But China holds the mortgage) Okay, that's how you do it. Now give me your best shot at declaring victory with zazz!

      [Video: Obama: We are keeping the promise I made when I began my campaign for the Presidency. By the end of this month we will have removed 100,000 troops from Iraq and or combat mission will be over. ]

      Stephen: Zzzzzzzz. How long was I out? Well, Mr. President, if you're not willing to celebrate the end of this war I will. This September 8th and 9th I will celebrate the end of Operation Iraqi Freedom and welcome home the heroes with two special episodes of The Colbert Report entitled Been There, Won That: The Returnification of the American Do Troopscape! So we got a great title, we're still working on the opening graphics. (What do you mean we?) Now the studio audiences will all be veterans and active military, we'll have Senator Jim Webb, General Ray Odierno and Vice President Biden. (And a s**tload of security) After seven years, seven long years in Iraq, we will give our soldiers what they've been yearning for. (Booze and bacon!) We will give them appreciation, because no matter how you felt about this war, we Americans sent them off to fight it. And not that it's over we should thank them, and quickly because I think a lot of them are getting sent to Afghanistan. (Shock and "Aw, man!")

      And that's the war.

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