The Colbert Report

Season 6 Episode 50

Jon Mooallem

Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Apr 13, 2010 on Comedy Central
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Jon Mooallem
Tonight Stephen welcomes New York Times journalist Jon Mooallem.
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      • Stephen: But in the future, I believe there's a way to stop this from happening to our past, and it brings us to tonight's Word: The Lost Cause. Folks, I am a proud son of South Carolina. (Possibly brother of South Carolina too) Now, I lost my accent for my TV career, but I can get it back light that. (snaps fingers) 'ello guvnor. Spare a few quid? Sorry, that's not it, hold on. Nyaa, see, you talkin' to me? Nyaa. I love grits, see. Nyaa. I'm sorry, that's by DeNiro. Uhm..try one more time. Eich ben ien southerner. There she is! And as a southerner, I am offended that every time we try to celebrate our Confederate heritage, people ruin it by mentioning the "S" word: (Skynyrd?) Slavery. It makes us sound like the bad guys, as if I should be ashamed of my stars and bars tramp stamp. Why can't we honor the good parts of Confederate heritage? (Affordable cotton?) Fellow son of the south, Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour knows exactly what I'm talking about.

        [Video: Reporter: The Governor did not even mention slavery in this proclamation. Was that a mistake?
        Haley Barbour: Well, I don't think so…Today it's the sort of feeling that it's a niche, that it is not significant, it's not…it's trying to make a big deal of something that doesn't amount to diddly.]

        Stephen: Thank you. When it comes to the Civil War, slavery doesn't matter for diddly. (Well, maybe for Bo Diddley) Now we know there were other causes for the war. Right, bunch of old white guys?

        [Video: Brag Bowling: There were a whole lot of issues other than slavery that were involved in that war.
        Man: Slavery should be dealt with, but in the context that is was not a cause.
        Pat Buchanan: Let's talk state's rights…]

        Stephen: Exactly! The Civil War was fought over state's rights. (To own slaves) It was fought to preserve the unique southern way of life. (Slave owning) It was fought to build a better future for all our children. (And our secret slave children) And folks, I don't want to hear the Confederate Vice President Alexander H. Stephens said in April 1861 quote: "[The Confederacy's] corner stone rests upon the great truth that the Negro is not equal to the white man; that slavery – subordination to the superior race – is his normal and natural condition." Now yes, that sounds terrible, until you hear what he had to say about Asians. The point is, we can't listen to him, he was too close to the conflict. He couldn't see the forest for the trees. (Or the slaves) Well, we are not going to let Yankees use the "S" word to define us as bad people. I say we reclaim the word so they can't use it to hurt us anymore. We weren't slave holders, we were slaveuhs. C'mon, say it with me. Slavuh! Yeah, you all my Slavuhs in the house! Any Slavuhs in the house say hey! Slavuh please! You see, it is possible to strip a hateful word of its meaning. (There's hope, "Knicks") Which, if you think about it, is all we have to do to preserve our heritage and our pride in the Confederacy, just forget what it really meant. (The lost cause)

        And that's the Word.

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