The Colbert Report

Season 2 Episode 66

Jonathan Alter

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM May 17, 2006 on Comedy Central
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Jonathan Alter
AIRED:
TONIGHT: Stephen Colbert welcomes the author of The Defining Moment: FDR's Hundred Days and the Triumph of Hope, Jonathan Alter!

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      • Stephen: What's a terrible Word? Democrats. Democrats pride themselves on their diversity, (The (permanent) minority party) they're feminists, Hispanics, animal rights activists, union members, homosexuals and African-Americans. (And one gay black hippie teamster named Maria) But of course from that many backgrounds come equally many opinions, (A thousand points of view) which is why they can't seem to agree on anything, (Except which foot to shoot in November) while Republicans have worked hard at moving together in lock step. (United even when indicted) But now they are so torn over this issue that Senate majority leader Bill Frist has publicly supported both forced deportation and a guest worker program. (Man divided against himself cannot run) Folks, President Bush tried to please both sides in his speech. (On fence about fence) Sadly, he pleased neither. (Can't please 29% of the people all the time) Republicans need to remember there's one thing they can all agree on: (The never met Jack Abramoff?) They want illegals out of the country. (Take Abramoff with you)

        That is, except for Christian conservatives like Focus on the Families founder James Dobson, who has threatened to withhold support if the party doesn't do more to oppose same sex marriage, obscenity and abortion. (Prayola) Oh, and there are also fiscal conservatives like Mort Zuckerman of U.S. News & World Report, a Republican who opposes making tax cuts permanent. (Like a Rabbi opposing bagels) And of course there are Senators John McCain and Chuck Haegel who oppose anything that the Republican Party is for. (When there's a camera around) Now Republicans, why are you doing this? Just stop it. You've always been so good at speaking with a single voice. (Without a trace of an accent) You are not the party of special interest groups. You're the group that says your interests are special for everybody. You're the group that gets poor people in trailer parks to support tax cuts for the rich and wealthy gay Republicans to oppose marriage for themselves. ("We don't need our kind around us.")

        Look, there's an election coming up and this is not the time to squabble. Save squabbling for after the election. (And concession speeches) And because, while you're going every which way like a bunch of Democrats with their heads cut off, the Democrats are poised to retake Congress with a single unified message. ("We're not Republicans")

        And that's the Word.

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