The Colbert Report

Season 6 Episode 21

Jonathan Safran Foer

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Feb 08, 2010 on Comedy Central
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Jonathan Safran Foer
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Tonight Stephen welcomes the author of Eating Animals, Jonathan Foer.
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      • Stephen: I say there's a better way to handle terrorists and it brings us to tonight's Word: Faux N Tell: Folks, our founding fathers built this nation on one fundamental principle: That all men are created equal. Of course, offer applies only to American citizens. And Abdulmutallab is a Nigerian, we all know what that means.

        [Video: John McCain: There should have been no consideration to give this person the rights that American citizens have. Miranda rights, the rights to a civil trial. He is an enemy combatant.
        Newt Gingrich: The first big threshold for President Obama to cross is to recognize we are at war and if you're at a war none of the criminal defense rules apply.]

        Stephen: Yes! When will Obama get it? We war at war with Nigeria. Or Yemen. Or underwear. (The boxer rebellion) Whatever, the point is folks giving the underwear bomber Miranda rights is wrong and worse than that is a complete waste because it is pretty hard to remain silent when you set your crotch hair on fire. (The full Nigerian) Now Senate minority leader and human tortoise hybrid Mitch McConnell agrees.

        [Video clips: Mitch McConnell: He was given a fifty minute interrogation, probably Larry King has interrogated people longer and better than that…..I mean Larry King would have a more thorough interrogation….Larry King would spend more time with a guest than that….]

        Stephen: Ha ha ha. Senator McConnell, I think I speak for a lot of Americans when I say quit your day job. (Spray-tanning Boehner) But folks, behind all the laughter, the Senator is making a very serious point about the FBI: They are terrible at finding out the truth. Even their most famous agents Mulder & Scully never found the truth out there, or in each others full, ripe lips. (Or abducted each other's pants) Now to give you some idea of their incompetence the Bureau's fifty minute interview of Abdulmutallab ended when: …"the subject was given medication and the investigators decided it would be better to let the effects of the drugs wear off before pressing him further." You do not end an interview when the suspect is under the effects of drugs, that's when you get the best information. [David after Dentist plays] We could have found out how many fingers he had. Instead we learned nothing!

        [Video: Jeanne Meserve: According to law enforcement officials, he started talking last week and is providing useful, current and actionable intelligence including information about his training overseas, who he met with, people he worked with and other who were part of this plot.]

        Stephen: So what? What about his turn ons? His turn offs? Boxers or briefs? Invisibility or flight? Ginger or Mary Ann? And I'm not the only one burning with questions.

        [Video: Sen. Olympia Snowe: And I think that's what so disturbing here, we won't ever know about what could have elicited from this individual.
        Sen. Kit Bond: We just don't know how many timely leads have been lost….
        Senator: We will never know how much information we lost that we could have acted on during that time.]

        Stephen: Exactly. If this guy is so weak that he gave us intelligence when we didn't torture him, imagine what he would have told is if we…didn't torture him. (Gurgle, gurgle?) Now some people will say that enhanced interrogation won't actually tell you what to prepare for.

        [Video: Senator: Torture produces false information…
        Pundit: People give out false information, they do anything to make the torture stop…]

        Stephen: So they make stuff up, sometimes it's the made up stuff that actually happens. Look at Jules Verne. He wrote 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea in 1869 and now we have fleets of submarines…with oak paneled staterooms and pipe organs. (Beats the skin flute) Also, look at Phillip K. Dick, he dreamed of a world with human like replicants and now we have one as Speaker of the House. Now people say all the time no one could have predicted 9/11 but in his book Debt of Honor, Tom Clancy predicts a 747 crashing into the Capital Building. (Great airplane read) Now folks, I say it is not enough to get full confessions from out enemies, who knows what that could predict under duress. Maybe Bin Laden's location two years from now, or Al Zawahiri's plans for a new biological weapon or what year chickens will bowl with cavemen to sell Bridgestone tires. If we push them hard enough maybe they'll give us the information these Senators really want: That indefinite detention and enhanced interrogation will keep us safer than the rule of law. (Faux N tell)

        And that's the Word.

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