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Stephen: Tonight: Clinton supporters want a bigger role at the convention, Gravel supporters just want your dinner roll. Plus, my Nailed 'Em segment celebrates justice being served, but if someone tries to serve a subpoena, I'm not Stephen Colbert. Then by guest is Univision anchor Jorge Ramos. I'll yell at him with upside down exclamation marks. In case of fire remain in your seats until I am out of the building. This is the Colbert Report!
Stephen: …which brings us to tonight's Word: Catharsis. Catharsis is commonly defined as a purging that brings about spiritual renewal or release from tension. (What got Bill impeached) Of course, catharsis is not a new idea, as Senator Clinton pointed out.
[Video: Hillary Clinton: You know it's as old as Greek drama, there's a catharsis.]
Stephen: Yes, like in Greek drama catharsis can come after an historic campaign during which you a formidable candidate or after you find out you killed your father and had sex with your mother and you gouge your eyes out. (Not as painful as conceding) Well to bring about this particular catharsis, Hillary will speak Tuesday night at the convention and may even have her name entered in nomination. (Spoiler Alert: Spoiler) This will bring closure, because nothing brings closure to a campaign like opening it up again. (Like salt brings closure to wound) But there is out there folks, another group of frustrated supporters who desperately need catharsis, (Republicans) I speak of course, of the Colbert Nation. (Please cheer) Wow! I gotta say, I did not expect that. Last October I was a candidate for President in my home state of South Carolina for well over two weeks. (Longer than Clinton lived in New York) And while at the time some may have scoffed, you it getters got it. You made sure the 1,000,000 Strong for Stephen Colbert Facebook group reached their goal in just three days. (Only more qualified candidate: Scrabulous) You are the reason that I was competitive in statewide polls.
[Video: Tim Russert: Here's the latest poll from Public Opinion Strategies. Hillary Clinton 40, Obama 19, Edwards 12, Joe Biden 2.7, Stephen Colbert 2.3…What's that about?]
Stephen: Yeah, what was that about? I was getting beaten by Joe Biden? But like Hillary I selflessly stepped aside once I had no other options. So where does that leave me? By which I mean you. (By which he means him) I think you need to be acknowledged, and I think Senator Clinton has set the going rate. (And yet she isn't going) You see,you deserve to have you have me have a speech at the Democratic National Convention. (You had me at me) Folks, you know, I can already hear the objections. Stephen, do you really have the Democratic Party's best interest at heart? Maybe not, but they're letting this guy [Bill Clinton] speak, and listen to his glowing endorsement of Obama.
[Video: Reporter: You think he's completely qualified to be President…
Bill Clinton: The Constitution sets qualifications to be President
Reporter: Is he ready to be President?
Clinton: You could argue that no one is ever ready to be President/]
Stephen: Hell, I can fake it better than that! So Democrats, give me a speech! But don't do it just for me, (Do it for Doritos) no, do it for the 1.4 million voters who were seriously pissed off on November 1st when my campaign came to a screeching halt because of what you did. (Writers strike didn't help) Or else in the cavernous halls of the Denver Convention Center, you just might hear chants of Where's Colbert? (Begin spontaneous chants now) [Audience starts chanting] Work on that. Do you have any idea what the people of the Colbert Nation will do if they are denied their catharsis? (Catharsis) Let's not go there.
And that's the Word.
Stephen: My guest tonight is a veteran anchor for Univision. He is the most trusted name in news that I can't understand.
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