The Colbert Report

Season 5 Episode 82

Joshua Micah Marshall

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Jun 17, 2009 on Comedy Central
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Tonight Stephen welcomes the publisher of Talking Points Memo, Joshua Micah Marshall.
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      • Stephen: Tonight: Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotamayor belongs to an exclusive women only club. Speaking of which, why can't I join Curves Gym? I have womanly hips. Then I salute my latest Alpha Dog. I turn that canine up to K-11. Plus my guest is Joshua Marshal from Talking Points Memo. Here's a memo, I'll do the pointing and the talking. Wow, those Iranians are really pissed at Letterman. This is the Colbert Report.

      • Stephen: Nation, there is only one way for Sotamayor be a member of a single sex club and still be confirmed for the Supreme Court and it brings us to tonight's Word: Bohemian Grove. Now as opposed to the Belizean Grove, the Bohemian Grove or Bohemian Club, is an all male 130 year old secret society of captains of industry, international power brokers and every Republican President since 1923. (Password: "Tax cut") Herbert Hoover called it quote: The greatest men's party on Earth. (Since replaced by Spike's "Guy Choice Awards") And Richard Nixon agreed.

        [Audio tape:Richard Nixon: The Bohemian Grove…it is the most faggy goddamn thing you could ever imagine]

        Stephen: That is really saying something for a guy named Tricky Dick who paid a man with this mustache [G. Gordon Liddy] to do "secret plumbing": for him in the 70s and then paid him to keep him quiet. Now every year Bohemian Grove holds a retreat in the Bohemian Gove in northern California where they're rumored to engage in costumed pageantry, simulated human sacrifice and worshiping before a 30 foot stone owl. Clearly modeling their rites on our most distinguished cultural institution: It's a Small World. Well, in 1999 after being denied membership by Bohemian Grove, a group of women started their own same sex organization, (Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants) the Belizean Grove. But folks, that doesn't make it right, an all female club is outrageous! It's unfair! I would love to form a group of like minded professionals who aren't allowed to join men's clubs, but as a man I can't. (And as a woman, they see his Adam's apple)

        Now of course to keep her nomination alive Sotamayor claims Belizean Grove doesn't discriminate. That quote: "All interested individuals are duly considered by the membership committee (and) to the best of my knowledge, a man has never asked to be considered for membership." Until now. Because I hereby demand to be admitted to this ladies shadowy cabal! (He's "cabal-ready") Yes! Where I can only assume these powerful women capture men, steal their seed and inseminate each other with turkey basters. (Then…shopping!) Now, madam Sotamayor, making me a member is the quickest way to put this controversy to rest. Now I know what you're all thinking. (I'll never baste turkey again) Why on Earth am I being so helpful? (Pending case: Colbert vs IRS) Well folks, it's a simple matter of principle. The principle that I really want to be in Belizean Grove. (Was kicked out of Ya Ya Sisterhood) Plus, I gotta tell you, between you and me the Bohemian Grove is a total sausage fest. I can't spend another summer watching Henry Kissinger belly dance around a statue of the Tootsie Pop owl. So madam I await you invitation, because I and these Republican Senators believe that no member of a single sex club should be allowed in the Supreme Court an institution which has welcomed men and women for well over 10 percent of its history.

        And that's the Word.

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