The Colbert Report

Season 6 Episode 8

Kathleen Sebelius

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Jan 14, 2010 on Comedy Central
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Kathleen Sebelius
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Tonight Stephen welcomes the Secretary for Health and Human Service, Kathleen Sebelius.
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      • Stephen: Tonight: Scandal in Washington! Harry Reid refers to his Blackberry as his Negroberry. And Americans are walking away from their mortgages. On the plus side, there's a boom in raccoon housing. And my guest is Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sebelius. I'll interview her, but there will be a co-pay. Why isn't anyone talking about what NBC did to Johnny Carson? He's dead! This is the Colbert Report.

      • Stephen: Getting all the answers from the banks is crucial right now because there is a new threat to our economic system just over the horizon folks, and it brings us to tonight's Word: Honor Bound: Folks, home prices continue to slide and 2.8 million homes were foreclosed on last year alone. These days it seems the only property realtors can move is the Re/Max balloon. Right now 25% of all home owners owe more on their hoses then those houses are worth. In real estate that's known as being underwater because these houses are now worth less than SpongeBob's pineapple. And this situation is not being helped by guys like so called financial expert Roger Lowenstein who wrote a New York Times piece advising home owners to walk away from your mortgage. It's a follow up to his best seller: Send VISA a Flaming Bag of Poop. Now I understand that people are abandoning their devalued homes to protect the money they have left, (Canadian quarter and an arcade token) but I think the answer is not to change your lawn sign from For Sale to F**k It, a mortgage is a sacred obligation, right fully employed TV commentators?

        [Video Clips: Jonathan Hoenig: People who are not paying their mortgages are not responsible home owners.
        Pundit: What king of a message does that send to your family and your kids, your neighbors and your friends when you just choose at your whim to walk away from that obligation.
        Pundit: And it is a travesty of justice being perpetrated by some Americans on other Americans and nobody is really talking about.]

        Stephen: Yeah, when are people going to start talking about this? (When Tiger Woods starts banging houses?) You see, ladies and gentlemen, when you signed that mortgage you gave your word, and your word is who you are, ergo you are your mortgage. (Why you feel sub-prime) And I think this is a question of honor, the banks thought your honor was worth something, (A free toaster) and they gave you a mortgage in exchange for your honor. It was so precious to those banks that they bundled your honor with other people's honor and cut that honor bundle into securities honor derivatives which was then sold to Wall Street honor speculators, and in an attempt to get more honor to sell they mixed your honor with honor of people who did not honor their honor and eventually the honor bubble burst. But that doesn't mean that they're responsible for the now worthless mortgages that they sold you. (They broke it, you bought it) No, it's your responsibility to continue making payments on a rapidly depreciating house even if it means losing your savings, your car, and eventually your house. But remember, even if you lose them, those are just things, this is about your word and you need to ask yourself: what am I worth as a person. ($200 an hour, no kissing)

        Now folks, really, how do you measure that? Well one way would be to mortgage yourself. Get a fifteen year variable refi on your organs. I hear kidneys are very hot right now. (They're the new spleen) Okay, it is a win-win, you'll have the money to pay your bills and the banks will have a new investment they can bundle and sell on the international organ exchange. That's one bubble I can't see bursting. (Maybe the appendix) And the banks will know that you will honor your word because you'll never walk out a mortgage when the banks can repossess your feet. (Sold your sole)

        And that's the Word.

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