The Colbert Report

Season 6 Episode 13

Kati Marton

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Jan 25, 2010 on Comedy Central
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Kati Marton
AIRED:
Tonight Stephen welcomes journalist and author of Enemies of the People: My Family's Journey to America, Kati Marton.
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    • Stephen: Tonight: Have Americans stopped getting fatter or has the Earth started getting thinner? Then: An unlikely candidate emerges for a New York Senate seat. Could it be Senator Coco? And my guest Kati Marton wrote a book about her tragic childhood in communist Hungary. Back then they didn't even have bridges to name after me. Did you hear? I'm the new quarterback of the Minnesota Vikings! This is the Colbert Report.

    • Stephen: Recently I've heard some news that makes me wonder: Can America continue to grow? And it brings us to tonight's Word: Manifest Density. Folks, America is great because we out consume every other country on Earth. If baseball were really our national pastime, pitchers would wrap the ball in bacon and throw it into the batter's mouth. But now there are signs that as consumers we may be losing out edge. Our soft, pinchable edge, According to the Centers for Disease Control, American's obesity rate hasn't risen for the past five years, though neither have many Americans. Folks, if we don't keep getting fatter I say the terrorists have won because the best way to keep them off out planes is for every one of us to take up two seats. Now folks I want to be clear here, I am not scapegoating thin people. Sure you thinnies can eat a crate of Sara Lee poundcakes and not gain an ounce, but we don't blame you. (But we're going to eat you) And Americans certainly haven't changed out exercise habits, we still feel the burn. (From atomic hot wings) No folks, the real problem according to Dr. David Ludwig, director of the Optimal Weight for Life Program at Children's Hospital Boston, is when it comes to weight gain:…"we've reached a biological limit…" A biological limit? (aka "Peak Pudge) Come on. American put a man on the Moon, surely we can force down another Moon Pie. (Cake Canaveral)

      Now folks, we have been here before. Back in the 70s, only 15% of us were obese, but then thanks to Nixon's farm subsidies, corn became the number one thing grown in the Midwest. (Besides bad moustaches) Did this oversupply daunt agibusiness giants Archer Daniels Midland and Cargill? No, they knew that when life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then sweeten it with syrup made from all that corn you can't sell. So they ground it down to its basic molecules and then recombined those molecules into high fructose corn syrup and then squirted that into everything: soda, bread, cereals, even NyQuil. (The nighttime, sniffing, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy, head, fever, so you can wake up with cankles medicine) You see, consumption of high fructose corn syrup skyrocketed along with the obesity rate. Now that statistic is hard to swallow. [Puts chocolate sauce on graph] Now that's easier.

      Unfortunately our consumption of high fructose corn syrup has leveled off. (Replaced by crazy bread) We have already, evidently, sucked down so much liquid corn that we sweat niblets. But we cannot let that stop us folks, I am calling for a Manhattan Project of weight gain. (aka Sbarro) Food scientists back in the 70s found a way for us to drink corn. I say why not breathe wheat. (New Nabisco cheese huffs!) Or perhaps there's someway to convert sugar into a light have so it makes you fat just by looking at it. (E=MC Donald's) Or maybe we can be genetically engineered to grow teeth in our anuses, that way we can eat from both ends. (Make it tough to floss) However we do it nation, for the sake of our economy and the sake of our national pride we must not fail. Because America is a consumer economy which means the only thing we still make is ourselves bigger.

      And that's the Word.

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