The Colbert Report

Season 5 Episode 122

Ken Burns

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Sep 24, 2009 on Comedy Central
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Tonight Stephen welcomes documentarian and director of Ken Burns: National Parks - America's Best Idea, Ken Burns.
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    • QUOTES (3)

      • Stephen: Tonight: The Republican Party is accused of racism. Why? They put their black guy in charge. Then: Another holiday is under attack. I believe Secretary's Day got harassed by Boss's Day. And my guest Ken Burns has made a documentary about out national parks. He'll do anything to make people look at his vacation slides. Television is the most important communication tool in history. Now can I have an Emmy? This is the Colbert Report.

      • Stephen: Those guys [Glenn Beck & Rush Limbaugh] aren't racist. They're just saying a program to help the poor is actually a secret plot by African-Americans to steal white people's money. A racist would say it's a secret plot to steal white people's women.

      • Stephen: But sadly any time a racist criticizes the President, somebody cries racism. Fortunately there's a solution, and it's tonight's Word: Blackwashing. Now everybody knows I don't see race. People tell me I'm white and I believe them because I get pretty good service as the Cracker Barrel. And no one values black people more then I do, except perhaps North Carolina Republican Congresswoman Virginia Fox, who prefaced a speech critical of Obama's healthcare policy with these words.

        [Video: Virginia Fox: In a recent article conservative commentator Thomas Sowell, an African-American, examined some of President Obama's claims about the healthcare reform legislation….Sowell writes that in his joint address to Congress President Obama is wrong about the spending levels of his healthcare reform.]

        Stephen: See? Congresswoman Fox is proving she's not a racist by pointing out that an African-American also disagrees with the President. Because what better way to prove you're not a racist than by highlighting a fellow critic's race? (Appointing Michael Steele?) See, black people are handy. They allow us to criticize the President without being accused of racism. The same way Jews can tell Jewish jokes and Irish can tell Irish jokes. (And late night liberals can tell gay jokes) You see, having an African-American on your side whitewashes, or in this case blackwashes, your racism. (Stephen has no black writers) Unfortunately 97% of African-Americans support the President's polices, I'd say that's the real racist. Which kind of makes the President a racist, right Glenn Beck?

        [Video: Glenn Beck: This President I think has exposed himself as a guy….who has a deep seated hatred for white people….This guy, I believe is a racist.]

        Stephen: Now, Glenn's criticism might seem racist, but fortunately Glenn himself is getting cover from the number one black guy: (Denzel Washington?!) Barack Obama. Just listen to White House press secretary Robert Gibbs.

        [Video: Robert Gibbs: The President does not believe that criticism comes based on the color of his skin.]

        Stephen: Thank you! I wish more African-Americans were more like the President. Raised by white people. (Madonna's trying) But that may not be enough. After all, even Barack Obama almost always agrees with Barack Obama. (And lately with George Bush) So we need to find a way to ensure a reliable supply of African-Americans who would blackwash our criticism. Now the obvious answer is to steal black children from their parents so they can be raised by racists, (I smell a reality show) but good luck getting that passed by a Democratic Congress. (Or anything else) So that unfortunately only leaves one answer: shoe polish. It's the traditional way for racists to show they've nothing against black people. (Also, "I like Will Smith") So TEA Partiers, Birthers, Glenn, Rush, don't let your valid criticisms be unfairly associated with racism. Before the next time you accuse the President of having a secret plan to take white people's money and give it to black people, or broadcast shuck and jive imitations of African-American leaders, just put on a little blackwashing. Then people will hear your real message.

        And that's the Word.

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