The Colbert Report

Season 6 Episode 122

Ken Burns

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Sep 27, 2010 on Comedy Central
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Ken Burns
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Tonight Stephen welcomes documentarian and director of The Tenth Inning, Ken Burns.
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      • Stephen: Tonight: The GOP blocks the repeal of "don't ask, don't tell." I assume the bill was thrown out for being gay. Then: Should God be used to market ice cream? Of course. Why do you think they call if a sundae? And my guest Ken Burns has a new installment of his Baseball documentary called The Tenth Inning. But I drove home during the 6th inning to beat traffic. It's Banned Book Week. Why not sit down and redact a story with your child. This is the Colbert Report.

      • Stephen: I says there is a simply way to satisfy gay soldiers who want to serve openly and those who don't want openly gay soldiers to serve, and it brings us to tonight's Word: Army of Mum. When General Colin Powell convinced Bill Clinton to adopt don't ask, don't tell, he said the military would not seek out gay soldiers so long as they don't flaunt their sexuality. (By joining the Navy?) But opponents point to cases like dismissed Iraq War vet Major Mike Almy, for him the policy turned out to be: Don't ask, just read private e-mails, find evidence of homosexuality, order an official investigation, relieve of duty, terminate pay, forcibly escort off base and…don't tell. (Or at least don't admit) So, I can see why people might want to repeal it. Thankfully, Crimean War veteran John McCain calmly explained last week that it didn't happen.

        [Video: Report: Private e-mails are not being searched?
        John McCain: We do not go out and see who's gay or not.
        Reporter: There are documented cases…
        McCain: They do not. They do not. They do not….It's not true.
        Reporter 2: That is the case of Mike Almy, Senators.
        McCain: Bring him to the office. It is not the policy. It is not the policy.
        Reporter 2: But it is the case that it's happening Senator:
        McCain: It is not the policy. (repeat 5 times)]

        Stephen: It's not the policy. The policy is don't ask [sticks fingers in ears] lalalalalalalala. It's not the policy! Lalalalalala. And the Senator's right, the military never does anything that's not official policy. (Abu Ghraib just team building exercise) That's why there has never been a secret war in Yemen, or snatch & grab operation in Pakistan, or a top secret assasination squad called Task Force 121. Now if a tree falls in the forest, and there was no one around to see the secret elite force of attack beavers who took it down, there was no tree. (Secret Attack Beavers now playing on Cinemax) And since being a gay soldier also falls outside military policy, why not kill two birds with one stone. (Also job for Task Force 121) I say we transfer all of our gay soldiers to these non-existent units. (The raspberry berets)

        Now for years we've let gays be soldiers if they stayed in the closet, I say we flip it. Allow them to be openly gay, but they have to stay in the closet about being soldiers. Think about it. Gay soldiers have the perfect training for secret missions. Many have been forced to lead a double life for years, making themselves invisible among a hostile population. (Jamming our gaydar) They've had to seamlessly adopt local customs like pretending to have a favorite football team. (Whichever one Tom Brady is on) Gays, I say you should be grateful that we provided you with so many years of this elite training. For those awkward Thanksgiving family dinners, well meaning friends setting you up on blind dates, or buying you those classic fit Dockers for your birthday. ("Oh wow…pleated. How nice!") But gays, here's the thing, if we're going to give you the honor of joining the Army's most top secret units, you have to make a sacrifice. (No dressing up your Pug like an admiral) No one, and I mean no one, can ever know about all the heroic and selfless things you do to protect our country. Because if they did, they'd demand you be allowed to serve openly in the military, and that's not the policy. (Army of mum)

        And that's the Word.

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