The Colbert Report

Season 7 Episode 123

Ken Burns

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Sep 28, 2011 on Comedy Central
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Ken Burns
AIRED:

Tonight Stephen welcomes the director of Prohibition, Ken Burns

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  • QUOTES (2)

    • Stephen: Tonight: A new way to crackdown on illegal immigration. Has anyone asked them to leave in Española? And: It's the Jewish new year so put on you little, flat party hats. Then Ken Burns is here to talk about his new documentary Prohibition. In his honor, I will interview him hammered. Amazon unveiled its iPad competitor, the Kindle Fire. I'm going to use mine to order the new iPhone. This is the Colbert Report.

    • Stephen: Luckily some people are deporting their sympathy and getting tough on immigrants, and it's the subject of tonight's Word: Labor Chains. Folks, if America is going to solve our illegal immigration problem, we need to look inside ourselves with and emotional melon baller and scoop out any vestige of human kindness. (Radical sympathectomy) Especially when it comes to pregnant illegals. They are the most devious kind because they sneak across our border with another immigrant hiding inside them. For all we know there's another one hiding inside the baby. (A Mexi-ducken) Now these women know that the second they drop their anchor baby on U.S. soil, the illegal resource sucking parasite inside them that's been stealing jobs from American embryos is instantly transformed into the greatest, bestest, freest baby in the world. Ooooo look who's so cute! Who deserves a free education? You do! You see, I love this baby because he is an American, but if that baby were born in Mexico, hey, speak a da English, goo goo gaga.

      Now luckily, some states have found a great way to discourage these women from coming here and squatting out a freedom fetus. (Bred, white and blue) Recently in Arizona and Tennessee, three pregnant women were arrested for not having proper identification and were forced to give birth: "….shackled to their hospital beds, without their husbands, and in the presence of a prison guard." So a quick tip for the olive skinned ladies, when you're at 10 centimeters and fully effaced you're gonna want to find your driver's license. (For once you'll look like the photo) Unfortunately, when confronted with a woman in labor, some in law enforcement lack the authority to slap them in four point restraints because sadly this is legal in only 36 states. Folks, I say this is dangerous. We've got to manacle these mamacitas down, I mean, even American women in labor are dangerous, they have super strength and get as mean as a snake. My wife turned into a wolf headed she-creature. (And she will again after seeing this)

      But I say chaining down these women in labor is not far enough. She's already shackled to a hospital bed, why don't we just roll it down to the southern border, cut a hole in the wall and let her pop that baby out into Mexico. That way it's not an American citizen and I don't have to treat it with human decency. (Hasta la vista, baby) But, and this is important, attendant physicians, please be careful when delivering the infant, don't cut the umbilical cord. Now that it's officially Mexican, we're going to reel that baby back into America. (On next season's Deadliest Catch) You see, we're going to need it for cheap, unregulated labor. Those small, soft hands are perfect for harvesting clementines. (Orange you sad?) We do not want to end up with bruised fruit. That would be heartless. (Labor chains)

      And that's the Word.

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