The Colbert Report

Season 2 Episode 113

Ken Jennings

Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Sep 13, 2006 on Comedy Central



  • Quotes

    • Stephen: …which takes us to tonight's Word: Caveat Emptor. Which is Latin for tough titties. I say buyers are responsible when somebody cheats them, especially when it comes to something as ephemeral as a book ("Ephemeral" word of day on Stephen's calendar) Folks, look, you can't return information once it's in your head. Trust me, they won't take it back. ("My Humps" in there forever) But the reading is fundamental-istas are going to say: People bought that book under false pretenses. Well it serves the right for buying a book in the first place, especially one whose plot you can get free at any AA meeting. (Boy meets drink, boy loses drink) Look, I'm afraid this refund madness is not going to stay contained at Barnes & Nobles, even though there is a Starbucks there and a really clean bathroom, if you're homeless you could do worse. Are movie studios going to have to refund twelve bucks if their trailer tricks you into paying to seeing a horrible movie? (Looking at you Beerfest) No, the movie studios earned that money! Do you have any idea how often they had to watch that crap before they found a part where someone got hit in the balls!? Once! James Frey earned his money! It's hard enough to write a book, but he had to write a fiction book and then act like it was all true. (Portrait of the artists as a con man) They shouldn't make him give back the money, they should give him an Oscar. (Or Barry Manilow's Emmy)

      No, folks we have become a nation of victims and last time I checked this is America. (Checks often) And folks this is a capitalist society, if you bought something it is worth buying, ipso facto. (Also presto change-o) Now maybe the book was false, but you did learn a valuable truth: (Oprah's got bad taste in literature) you learned that you are a sucker. But you are not alone. I believe it was our 23rd President P.T. Barnum who said "There's a sucker born every minute." (A million little suckers) And folks, that still holds true today. I bet if somebody took a poll they'd find suckers all over the place. (See: 32% approval rating) So if you're one of the suckers who bought A Million Little Pieces, don't act like a victim, victimize someone else. (Suck it forward) For instance I am reselling my copy of the book as A Million Little Pieces the Diet. It's a great diet, you can eat all the candy sprinkles you can stick to your hand.

      And that's the Word