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Stephen: China's harsh restrictions on visitors are a travesty, and the subject of tonight's Word: Play-cott. Now I have always been a critic of China. The pollution, the human rights violations, a dozen tube socks for $3.99! What, am I made out of money!? (Soon, money also made in China) And now these new rules folks, these rules, which by the way are published only in Chinese. (Secret code known only by 1.3 billion people) Really, how do they expect visitors to understand them, there's only so much Chinese you can pick up reading lower back tattoos. (What's Chinese character for "I was drunk"?) So I am calling on all nations of the world to boycott the Beijing Games, athletes, coaches, heads of state. Honor what the Olympics stand for. (Pretending to care about water polo) Honor it by staying home. You can compete in the 2012 Games in London, after all, England's biggest human rights violation is forcing Daniel Radcliffe to play a boy wizard well into his 30s. So world, take to the streets now! Go out there and protest! You go on, we Americans will catch up in just a minute! Whooo! You're doing the right thing!
Okay, they're gone, it's just us Americans now. Here's the thing, all that stuff about boycotting the Chinese Olympics, uh uh. They boycott, we go. (The old boycott and switch) Now here's the deal, we'll say we're not going, but at the opening ceremonies I want our whole team to show up at the last minute in some surprising way. (With zero endorsements) Hell, we could mail the gymnastics team in a FedEx envelope, they're tiny. (Cargo plane will stick the landing) It'll just be us vs the Chinese, we take the Gold. (May contain some lead) Plus China is counting on these games economically, they've sunk ridiculous money into them, something line 40 billion dollars. (About three months in Iraq) So if the rest of the world boycotts, it will by like Tonya Harding's baseball bat to China's financial knee. (A global "Gillooly") So let the other countries boycott, but we have to go. Besides, we can't upset the Chinese, we owe them too much money. As far as I'm concerned they can do anything they want.
And that's the Word.
Kenneth Miller: I would compare the advocates of intelligent design to welfare queens, waiting for the government to give them a handout so that they can get into-
Stephen Colbert: So, you will agree with me that there are welfare queens out there, driving Cadillacs, waiting for their government cheese. Thank you for coming on board with me and Ronal Reagan. I'll take that as a victory for our side.
Kenneth Miller: Even St. Augustine recognized that the bible wasn't a book of science…What you've got to do is basically understand the bible as a spiritual document, not a scientific one. If you put it in the classroom as a scientific document or a theory that's supported by it, you're making a scientific and religious mistake.
Stephen Colbert: If more than 50% believe that intelligent design is a possibility, then, this is a democracy, why can't we teach that in schools in science class?
Kenneth Miller: Well, if you have a big fraction who thinks that we never went to the moon or the holocaust is a fabrication, do we teach that as well?
Stephen Colbert: I don't know about the holocaust but that moon thing is very suspicious to me.
Stephen Colbert: Have I told you lately that I love me?
Stephen Colbert: Mr. Russert was a model journalist who brought dignity, credibility, and joy to his work. He will be sorely missed.
Stephen Colbert: If we're related to monkeys, why don't they send me birthday cards?
Stephen Colbert: England's biggest human rights violation is forcing Daniel Radcliffe to play a boy wizard well into his 30s.
Stephen Colbert: Recently, the Chinese Olympic committee placed new restrictions on Olympic visitors, curtailing freedom of the press, free congregations, and barring any visitors with mental diseases. Terrible move, China. Now, you're going to have to keep all the athletes out. Come on, devoting 10 hours a day, 7 days a week to doing this. (shows clip of discus throwing) That's crazy. China's harsh restrictions on visitors are a travesty and the subject of Tonight's Word: Ploy-cott. Now, I have always been a critic of China, the pollution, the human rights violations, a dozen tube socks for $3.99. What am I made out of money? (Soon, Money Also Made In China) And now, and now, these new rules, folks, these rules which by the way are published only in Chinese. (Secret Code Known Only By 1.3 Billion People)
Stephen: Tonight, should the US boycott the Olympics? What would we do with all the unused steroids?
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