The Colbert Report

Season 2 Episode 64

Kevin Phillips

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM May 15, 2006 on Comedy Central
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Kevin Phillips
AIRED:
TONIGHT: Stephen Colbert welcomes the author of American Theocracy: The Peril and Politics of Radical Religion, Oil, and Borrowed Money in the 21st Century, Kevin Phillips!

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  • TRIVIA (1)

  • QUOTES (1)

    • Stephen: And the answer is tonight's Word: Lunchables. Yes Lunchables, like the vacuumed wrapped snack tray, America should be patriotically divided into sanitary compartments of like minded citizens. (Who are high in saturated fat) And we're well on our way. We already know if we live in a red state or blue state, now you can know if you live in a God state or a gay state. Take the new town of Ave Maria, Florida, which is being built specifically to attract those who follow of the teachings of the Roman Catholic Church. So pharmacies in town won't sell condoms, (Just rhythm method day planners) anyone who like having protected sex can move elsewhere. (Hail Satan, Indiana) It's called freedom of choice. (But not pro-choice) Now plenty of beloved American groups have sequestered themselves this way: the Amish, the Shakers, the Mormons. (And Branch Davidians) But Lunchable America doesn't just have to be for religious groups, there's a serving size for every lifestyle. (Welcome model railroaders) For instance it is now legal for gay couples to get married in Massachusetts, but only if they stay in Massachusetts. For you homosexual couples think of the benefits. You live in the cradle of Democracy, home to beautiful fall foliage where you can picnic inside of lush cranberry bogs, spend weekends antiquing on Cape Cod and hang out with the hippies at Walden Pond. (Too high to judge your lifestyle) For all of us it's a win-win. (Hot win on win action) Traditionally I've been against gay marriage, (So stop asking me, John Gibson) but by attracting all the gays to one state, we can protect the sanctity of marriage in 49 others. Massachusetts will become like a gay Israel, a Gaysrael. (Stay out of Gayza Strip) The point is, like crackers and juice boxes, American may have their differences, but I believe we can come together by living hermetically sealed apart. If you disagree with your neighbor, just find a new neighbor. One just like you, and eventually, we'll each be in our ideal communities. (Gated ones)

      And that's the Word.

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