The Colbert Report

Season 5 Episode 28

Kris Kristofferson

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Feb 26, 2009 on Comedy Central
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Tonight Stephen welcomes legendary country music singer/songwriter Kris Kristofferson.
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      • Stephen: Now there is a better way to cure the economy and it brings us to tonight's Word: The Swede Hereafter. Now folks, proponents of nationalization now they have to use code words to sell the idea. Jim?

        [Video clips: Tom Brokaw: Sweden, for example, made investments in its banks….
        Mike Huckabee: The Swedish model, taking over the bad banks and cleaning them up…]

        Stephen: The Swedish model, and not the good kind that marries Tiger Woods. No, they're talking about Swedish economic policy. (State-subsidized umlauts) You see, in the early 1990s Sweden's economy collapsed. (Economy built by IKEA) So, what did they do? They nationalized their banks, returned stability to the assets and then sold off the restructured companies back to the private sector. But I say just because that worked doesn't mean I have to become Swedish. (Stephen won't even use Nordic Track) And let me tell you they would love to turn me Swede. I would become quite a feather in their cap. Or rather a lingdonberry in their dugglemossa. (Worst dessert ever) Truth is, once you go Swede you are stuck with universal health care, which of course they can afford because their country is so depressing everyone commits suicide. (Or chokes on tiny meatballs) Besides, there is nothing to worry about. Yes, all our cash may be gone, but there is one thing America will always have plenty of: (High fructose corn syrup) guns!

        We have the biggest, baddest fighting force in the world. I would love to see someone try and collect out debt. Who's going to do it? The United Arab Emirates? The closest thing they have to a navy is a hotel shaped like a boat. Now, there is one thing I admire about the Swedes. Around 800 when the Swedes faced an economic crisis they didn't say: Oh, we should follow Charlemagne's economic model. (The Gaul!) No! They said let's kick a little hack. (Does my hack look big in this tunic?) They jumped right in their longships, went across the sea and plundered some villages and turned their enemies into shovel ready projects. (Bailed out their intestines) So I say let's copy the only Swedish model I respect. The Vikings! (Really? With Gus Frerott at QB?)

        My brothers, let us not cower in fear of the economic dark ages. (puts on Viking horned helmet) I say: In the name of Odin let us take up our shields and our battle axes and rain death and lamentation on our foes. If our coffers lack gold and sweet meats, let us replenish them before the moon waxes and Midgard, the world of humans, is so broke that we all have to move to Alfmere, the realm of elves. (Gay marriage definitely legal there) (Pulls out chicken skewered on sword) I say that many will perish but our reward will be a home in Valhalla! (Bites off chuck of chicken) Chieftain Geithner, if thou be'est and man and not some serpent tongued mound troll, adopt this plan by Loki's breath. This will free up the credit market as sure as the serpent Jormungir shall circle the Earth and until its destruction by Thor's hand at Ragnarok! (See Zeppelin lyrics for details) To war! Of course, to pay for it, we'll need a load from China.

        And that's the Word.

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