The Colbert Report

Season 3 Episode 23

Lance Armstrong

Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Feb 14, 2007 on Comedy Central
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Episode Summary

Lance Armstrong
Tonight Stephen welcomes multiple time Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong.

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Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions


  • TRIVIA (1)

  • QUOTES (8)

    • Stephen: …and that brings us to tonight's Word: Bad Medicine. Teen sex has been a growing problem over the last few years. (Few thousand) We used to be able to say things to teens to turn them off from sex, thing like "It's a sin," or "You could have a baby." (Or "Your parents do it.") But now folks there are some new words we can yell at them: cervical cancer. That'll throw some ice water on your loins. (Note: Not an effective from of birth control) Turn our cervical cancer is largely caused by HPV the Human Papillomavirus which can be transmitted through sexual activity. All this was great scaring teenager news until the Republican Governor of Texas, that great liberal enclave, got into the picture. You see, a week ago Governor Rick Perry signed a bill to make a vaccine that prevents HPV mandatory for girls because, and get this: "Requiring young girls to get vaccinated before they come into contact with HPV…has the potential to significantly reduce cases of cervical cancer and mitigate future medical costs." Far out man! Free love! You gotta speak up, I can't hear you over my bong!

      Luckily pro family forces aren't letting the Governor get way with his anti-family, no cancer agenda. Groups like Vision America whose president Rick Scarborough explained quote: "The Governor's action seems to signify that God's moral law regarding sex outside of marriage can be transgressed without consequence." The message here is clear: If you have sex, God will give your cancer. (Still beats hairy palms) This cancer immunization is against God's will! ("It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Cure") I don't know how to put that any simpler. Plus if we immunize teens that will just make them have more sex. Curing a disease caused by a certain activity always make you want to more of that activity. I mean, once I got my tetanus shot I couldn't stop chewing on rusty nails. They're pretty good. (Tastes like rusty chicken) And hey, folks, I'm not against inoculation, some of my best friends don't have typhoid. (Wait till Apple make iPHOID) Just let me suggest a compromise, if we give girls the HPV shot, we don't do it until their wedding. (Register at It would be a beautiful addition to the ceremony. ("You man now inoculate the bride.") And you know what, for the record folks, if this was a disease that affected male sexual activity, I would feel the exact same way. But it's not so I don't have to.

      And that's the Word.

    • Stephen:(about Matthew McConaughey)He looks like he can win 14 Tour de Frances.
      Lance: I think he's doped.

    • Stephen:(Discussing changes to Tour de France) Instead of just a bicycle race, which basically anybody can do, what about you bicycle race but you have a spoon with an egg balanced on it and if you drop the egg, you have to start all over again.

    • Stephen: Being retired from biking, isn't that like being retired from recess?

    • Stephen: Stay out of our sex lives New York City subway system! There is only one C-train to ride in my bedroom and you're looking at it.

    • Stephen: Seniors, keep it in your pants. It should be easy, they're up around your neck.

    • Stephen: Today should be all about love, unless you're old!

    • Stephen: Nation, be mine. This is the Colbert Report.

  • NOTES (0)


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