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Stephen: Tonight: How will Congress fund the President's health care plan? Might I suggest looking for change in the folds of Barney Frank? Then: I have some words for J.D. Salinger and they were all written by my brother Buddy. Plus my guest Leymah Gbowee helped organize resistance against the oppressive Liberian government. I'll ask her where Liberia is. Tonight's the All Star Game, but don't let the exciting name fool you, it's still baseball. This is the Colbert Report.
Stephen: The President is finding it difficult to keep his promise to make health care a national priority, well I have the answer and it's tonight's Word: Guns, Credit and Corn. Now folks, there is one big worry about providing universal health care, and Bob Woodward's said it best.
[Video: Bob Woodward: You run into the first rule of economics, and that is if you add in more people, 40 million people to the health care system that you're going to cover, it's going to cost more.]
Stephen: The second rule of economics: You don't talk about fight club. Of course the Democrats want to pay for it the way they always do. (By marrying a ketchup heiress) They're going to do it by picking the pockets of the rich. Like their proposed 1% tax on households making over $350,000 per year. There's only one way to describe it.
[Video: Sen. Jon Kyl: It would be a job killer….
Talking Head: It is an absolute job killer….
Sen. Pat Roberts: It's a job killer…
Pundit: This is a devastating job killer….]
Stephen: Exactly! Providing health care to the uninsured is a job killer, while not providing health care is merely a people killer. (Bonus: Job openings!) Now folks, don't get me wrong, I'm not a monster, partly because my HMO won't cover my tentacle attachment surgery. (No squid pro quo) So believe me, I can relate to people struggling with hospital bills, but we simply cannot afford to add health care to the budget. Our only option is to fold into one of the programs we always willing to pay for. (Cinemax?) For instance folks, defense spending goes up every year. Now I've talked about this before, back when critics after Robert Gates for his 2010 budget.
[Video: Lou Dobbs: Defense Secretary Robert Gates announced sweeping cuts to Pentagon spending.
Sean Hannity: …drastic cuts in the military budgets…
Reporter: …steep budget cuts….
Brian Williams: A deep slice into some major U.S. weapons programs…
Stephen Colbert: That's right, Gates is chopping our defense budget from $513 billion all the way down $534 billion.]
Stephen: See? Even when we slash the defense budget it gets bigger, because it's coated with a top secret polymer that expands when you cut it. So, we can use the defense budget to pay for health care and just turn sick people into a weapons program. If you have Swine Flu we'll cure you, after we send you to Afghanistan to lick the doorknobs of the Taliban. (Lock and loogie) Now another thing there always seems to be money for is interest on the national debt. We can divert that money to pay for health care, of course once you're cured, we have to give you to China and they get to do whatever they want with you. (Forced Olympic opening labor) So maybe they grind you into toothpaste. (If you contain lead) Or better yet, they inject you full of plasticene and then send you back to America as part of the world renowned Bodies exhibit. You can help science answer one of the most enduring questions: What would it look like if just nerves caught a football. (Plaxico Burress) You know what else Congress always shells out for? (Whores) Farm subsidies. We can easily make the uninsured eligible for farm subsidies cash simply by designating them as cord. Most of America is already 90% of the way there anyway. (10% Guar gum) And everybody knows corn gets great health care from chemical companies like DuPont and Monsanto. I'm sure they'd be happy to whip up something to spray on the uninsured. (Butter flavoring!) Or at least genetically modify the uninsured so they're round up ready immune to stalk rot. So let's use existing federal programs to take care of the uninsured, because if we really want to make health care a priority, we're going to have to make it one of our priorities. (Guns, credit, and corn.)
And that's the Word.
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