The Colbert Report

Season 2 Episode 98

Linda Hirshman

Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Aug 02, 2006 on Comedy Central
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Episode Summary

Linda Hirshman
Tonight former attorney and professor of philisophy Linda R. Hirshman, author of Get to Work: A Manifesto for Women in the World.

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    Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions


    • TRIVIA (1)

    • QUOTES (1)

      • Stephen: Once again I'm ready to step up and defend Fort Marriage. Against what? Tonight's Word: Single Serving. You see it everywhere folks, nowadays there are pizzas made for one, vacations packages designed for one. What's next? (Bicycles built for one?) You know what? No more. We're at war here singles. Pick a side, you can be married or you can be gay. (Both, if married to Liza Minelli) Folks, by married I mean the way God originally intended. (To a woman made from your rib?) Listen up. Two by two, paired off, male to female to ensure the survival of the species, just like Noah's Ark. (Will come in handy when glaciers melt) In this analogy, gays are the unicorns, fabulous, mystical creatures who live in a world of rainbows. You see society exists to preserve marriage, if you're not married you're not part of society. (Great, another rejection) That's why you don't get a tax break, or a spouse's health insurance, in fact, if you're not married you shouldn't get any insurance, you don't have dependents. (That you know of!) Not only does society preserve marriage, marriage preserves society. Nation, right now we're taking heavy losses on the marriage front. Two of our highest profile success stories, Dave & Carmen and Nick & Jessica have split, and I'm feeling very nervous about My Fair Brady. Of course in this do anything culture it's hard to find any inspiring couples. Luckily there's Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson. Pam & Kid tied the knot this week in St. Tropez, but they're not stopping there. They're getting married a total of four times in four different cities. (With 4 different honeymoon videos) And folks, they're not even getting divorced in between. Thank you. She's a lovely lady and he's…Kid Rock. Not entirely sure what he does. (Pisses off your parents! Yeah! Whooo!) Now with those extra three marriages Pam & Kid are making up for six of you selfish loners our there who don't care enough about society to get married even once. (I'm looking at you, Clooney) But you know what, they can't do it alone. Single people, you need to get hitched, married people, you need to stay hitched. And other celebrities, you need to get married multiple times as an example for America. (Not just for sweeps) I am talking to you Brangelina, you Bennifer 2, and especially you Filliam H. Muffman. We have got to stop serving the singles and get the singles to serve society.

        And that's the Word.

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