The Colbert Report

Season 5 Episode 33

Lisa Hannigan

0
Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Mar 09, 2009 on Comedy Central
8.3
out of 10
User Rating
6 votes
0

EPISODE REVIEWS
By TV.com Users

Episode Summary

EDIT
Tonight Stephen welcomes musician Lisa Hannigan.
Friday
No results found.
Saturday
No results found.
Sunday
No results found.
SUBMIT REVIEW

    Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions

    FILTER BY TYPE

    • TRIVIA (0)

    • QUOTES (1)

      • Stephen: This is an outrageous invasion of privacy that has me coming out with my guns blazing…if I have a gun, and it brings us to tonight's Word: Locked & Loathed. Folks, this paper has no right to reveal who has concealed gun permits. Now sure, in Tennessee these permits are a matter of public record, but you don't put public records on the internet. ( Unless a Nigerian princes asks for them) No, that undermines the long tradition of going to a government office and waiting patiently until any desire for information is crushed by nameless bureaucrats who measure their workdays in geologic time. (They're packing tedium) Now some will say this newspaper is just exercising its right under the First Amendment, well the gun owners are exercising their rights under the Second Amendment. (For some, their only exercise) And if you know your multiplication, you know that's worth twice as much. (Guns are better at subtraction)

        Now thankfully, as always, the NRA is on the case. Executive vice president Wayne LaPierre pointed out that: "A normal person wouldn't say, 'My right to information is more important than someone's fear and safety.'" No, Wayne LaPierre knows that a normal person would say something like: "…I don't care if their butts pucker from here to the Potomac, our Founding Fathers understood that the guys with the guns make the rules." But it's not just Wayne "Puckerbutt" LaPierre, as payback for the newspaper posting public records, gun owners in Tennessee have posted newspaper employees personal information and threatened newspaper staff, which has led to some fairly obvious editorial cartoons. Now I am with the gun owners here. The reason we get concealed carry permits in the first place is because we value our privacy. (Also explains silencers) In fact, everybody knows that we're very shy, (Why they wear camouflage) we can barely find the courage to put our pro-gun beliefs on the back of our cars. Now there's a reason we hid our guns, (Terms of parole) because the anti-gun nuts out there make us feel like outcasts. (The love that dare not shoot its name) I mean even I, Stephen Colbert, feel the pressure.

        Now, everyone knows that I have a healthy, long, loving relationship with by gun Sweetness. I mean, Sweetness and I go everywhere together, but at Thanksgiving I tell by grandmother we're just roommates. (Gun isn't Catholic) Now I long for a day when gun owners no longer have to hide their relationships with their concealed weapons. (Can come out of their shells) But until that day, threatening the people who work at this newspaper is a good start. You see, it helps to dispel the image of gun owners as crazy zealots, (Well adjusted zealots?) and I say to protect the privacy of people with concealed gun permits, we need to issue a new concealed permit permit to conceal their permit to conceal their guns. (Printed in disappearing ink) Now of course some newspaper out there would just publish that list, so the only surefire way to keep people from knowing whether you do or do not have a gun is to have a gun that may or may not exist. (Heisenberg's uncertainty pistol) [pulls out "invisible gun"] Like the Phantom here. Isn't she a beaut? Now this could be a semi-automatic with an eight round magazine and a homemade recoil dampener. (Imaginary serial number is filed off) Or I might just have a cramp in my finger, let's find out. Um, you sir.

        Audience Member who always gets Shot: Yes?
        Stephen: Do you think that this newspaper should be able to publish who has a concealed gun permit?
        AMWAGS: Well, there is freedom of the press.
        Stephen: And you have the right to your opinion. [Shoots him with Phantom]
        AMWAGS: Agg, you shot me! Oh, you hit an artery!
        Stephen: No sir, [invisible gun goes away] someone shot you. In the interest of my privacy, we may never know who. And that's the Word. (Locked & loathed)

    • NOTES (1)

    • ALLUSIONS (0)

    Season 5 Episodes

    See All
    Ep 161
    Tom Brokaw
    Ep 160
    Alicia Keys
    Ep 159
    Snoop Dogg
    Ep 158
    Lara Logan
    Ep 157
    Matt Taibbi
    Ep 156
    Andy Schlafly
    Ep 155
    Bill T. Jones
    Ep 154
    Janet Napolitano
    Ep 153
    Craig Watkins
    Ep 152
    Sherman Alexie
    Ep 151
    Cevin Soling
    Ep 150
    Elvis Costello
    Ep 149
    Norah Jones
    Ep 148
    Malcolm Gladwell
    Ep 147
    Paul Goldberger
    Ep 146
    Woody Harrelson
    Ep 145
    Christopher Caldwell
    Ep 145
    Christopher Caldwell
    Ep 144
    Maria Shriver
    Ep 143
    Thomas Campbell
    Ep 143
    Mon, Nov 9, 2009
    Ep 142
    Chief William Bratton
    Ep 141
    Harold Evans
    Ep 140
    Andrew Sullivan
    Ep 139
    Nicholas Thompson
    Ep 139
    Mon, Nov 2, 2009
    more
    More
    Less