The Colbert Report

Season 2 Episode 80

Marc Bowden

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Jun 26, 2006 on Comedy Central
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Marc Bowden
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Tonight Stephen welcomes Marc Bowden, author of Guests of the Ayatollah: The First Battle in America's War With Militant Islam.

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    • TRIVIA (1)

    • QUOTES (5)

      • Stephen: Dressing up as a war hero? What better way could there be to support our troops? I mean, other than actually enlisting and taking their place in Iraq. A Navy Cross is a Navy Cross, whether you received it for extraordinary heroism in combat, or for sacrificing $29.95 plus shipping through Paypal.

      • Stephen: Relying on proxy evidence like tree rings, glaciers, and ice cores to study global warming, the National Academy of Sciences announced that the earth is the hottest it's been in the last 2000 years. All you need to know: We beat the record! Woo! In your face, previous periods of time!

      • Stephen: Warren Buffett is so rich he's hired Bill Gates to spend is money.

      • Stephen: which brings us to tonight's Word: Class Warfare: Every election cycle the Democrats act all chummy with the less fortunate, (Pretend to like NASCAR) but the fact is, they're not trying to help the poor, they're trying to eliminate them. (Six feet underclass) Well, sorry, but I won't stand for it. (Or next to them) Jesus said the poor will always be with you. Edwards, do you want the make the son of God look like a liar? (Liar, liar, shroud on fire!) Besides, the Republicans have worked too hard to make poor people. (Built from parts of middle class) Since the administration took office, the number of people below the poverty line has increased by 4.1 million. (Over 4 million under served) And folks, they're not stopping there. Last week the Republican Congress voted against raising the minimum wage again. That's nine years in a row. (One more and Congress gets a blender) I say good job Congress, you really earned that pay raise you gave yourself on June 14th. (Plus tip from Abramoff) The truth is we need the destitute. They remind the rest of us that is sucks to be poor. (Little known Huey Lewis song) Their example gives people like me the motivation to work. (Four days a week)

        The poor are also the key to solving the problems of outsourcing and immigration. If we have a permanent underclass working for sub-poverty wages, we won't have to send our jobs away to the third world countries to stay competitive, we'll have a third world country right here. (Angelina can adopt domestically) And folks we will be about to buy American again, and still pay just a $1.95 for a twelve pack of tube socks. (Stephen has a pack a day habit) And with stagnant wages in America, there will be no incentive for Mexicans to try to climb over that wall we're gonna build…out of poor people. But the most important reason to keep the poor is that they are delicious. Raised in cramped conditions are fed a diet of high fructose corn syrup, they're just like veal. (Except the rich feel sorry for veal) So instead of getting rid of the poor, I have a modest proposal. I'm calling on Congress to make even more of these working class heroes by eliminating the minimum wage. Minimum wage is a misnomer anyway. Is $5.15 an hour really the least we can pay? (If they catch you) I can certainly imagine paying less, in fact, I pay my interns nothing. By the way Sean, English major from Boston University, if you put whole milk in my coffee again you're fired from your non paying job. And Congress, you do your job and make this country what it can be. (Guatemala) And for those poor people who don't like this idea and are looking for an employment program from our government, you know, they're hiring in Iraq. (Class Warfare)

        And that's the Word.

      • Stephen: You know, I wouldn't be the moral and responsible person I am today if it weren't for Highlights Magazine. It filled many of my most informative waits for the dentist with jokes, cartoons, puzzles as well as longer stories and poems that I skipped over. Well, Highlights Magazine recently published its one billionth copy and it turned 60 last week, surviving the advent of TV, video games and many other things more entertaining than Highlights Magazine. So today I pay tribute to this pillar of American childhood by putting an issue on my bookshelf. I hope all of you caught my tribute to it's hidden pictures page during tonight's Word. Remember: Gallant buys his children a Highlights subscription, Goofus sells his children on the black market for crystal meth. Which are you?

    • NOTES (0)

    • ALLUSIONS (1)

      • "Modest Proposal": During "The Word", after Stephen discusses the qualities of a diet of poor people, he makes a "...modest proposal..." of eliminating the minimum wage. This is taken from the Jonathan Swift satirical pamphlet A Modest Proposal, in which Swift discusses the merits for the impoverished Irish people to sell their children for food, since the British Crown has already exploited them for anything else they could offer.

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