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Stephen Colbert: Are sanctions the right way to fix problems? I mean, hasn't the Bush administration shown us that sanctions don't work? It's much better just to bomb these schools and then occupy them.
Stephen Colbert: You are incredibly proud of No Child Left Behind. What are the goals of this? It's, on a certain level, a very misunderstood program. How does it help schools?
Margaret Spellings: No Child Left Behind basically says we're going to find out how well every student is doing every year and we're going to give ourselves a goal and hold ourselves accountable for every single one of them being on grade level...we hold the school accountable for their achievement.
Stephen Colbert: Ok. Let's get right into it. No Child Left Behind, the big initiative from the Bush administration. Why can't we leave some children behind?
Margaret Spellings: Because it's just not right.
Stephen Colbert: You know they're going to leave us behind. They're going off to this place called the future that we're not invited to and they don't care. They'll go.
Margaret Spellings: Well, our job is to make sure they do care.
Stephen Colbert: I don't understand why we're helping them. They're trying to replace us.
Margaret Spellings: They're the future of our country. They really are.
Stephen Colbert: Then we are the past.
Margaret Spellings: Well, eventually we will be.
Stephen: Tonight: The Air Force unveils a new strategy in the War on Terror. Terrorists, kinds switch over to Nightline. Then Elton John has a creamy treat he wants you to put in your mouth. FCC I await your call. And Secretary of Education Margaret Spellings is here to talk about No Child Left Behind. Don't tell her but I wrote all my questions on my hand. I'm a man of few words but I say them over and over and over. This is the Colbert Report.
Stephen: But I just learned of a brand new weapon to defeat the terrorists and it's tonight's Word: Fight to the Furnish. Nation, the military's anti-terror budget is sacred. (i.e. God only knows) That money can only be used for crucial programs like surveillance satellites, predator drones and finding out which Army translators are gay. (Conjugating more than verbs) That is why I was happy to hear the Air Force wants to use 16.2 million dollars of anti-terror money to design in-flight "comfort capsules" so generals and government VIPs can travel on military planes in "world class" comfort. Now before you rush to judgment of the words "comfort capsule" you should know they are also known as "luxury pods." Isn't that better? A number of generals were involved in their design, like suggesting the type of carpet. (No Persian rugs!) You see fighting terrorism requires sacrifice. But flying coach? They say waterboarding is torture. (At least the drinks are free) Now some are questioning the comfort capsules, mainly lower ranking military officers. One of them told the Washington Post quote: "This whole program is an embarrassment." Excuse me sir, but an embarrassment would be deigning comfort capsules without changing the leather "…from brown to Air Force Blue." Plus, it's not as if in flight comfort is reserved for the top brass alone. The generals may get these elegant, yet plush recliners, but the troops get to travel like this. [photo of plastic seats] Those seats look like they come premoistened with the finest American ass sweat.
Plus these luxury pods are the best weapon we have to win the war on terror. Remember how Reagan beat the Soviets? (By trading arms for hostages?) He did it with a missile defense system known as Star Wars. Wasn't really effective, but it cost a Hell of a lot of money. (Like Episode One: The Phantom Menace) Now in response the USSR tried to match our arms buildup and it bankrupted their country. (Only remaining currency: Gymnasts and brides) I say we folks can do the same thing with Bin Laden. Just imagine him sitting in his dingy cave when he reads, by the glow of his dialysis machine, about the generals 37 inch flat screen TV with stereo sound or the leather recliners that swivel so that "…the longitudinal axis of the seat is parallel to the longitudinal axis of the aircraft." Bin Laden's chair doesn't swivel or recline because it is a rock. (Folds out into slab for guests) He'll know then that he has a serious comfort gap and the only way he can close it is by diverting money from terror training camps into interior design. (Flip this cave) He then starts loading up on up on throw pillows and side tables and we follow the UPS trucks from Crate & Barrel right to Bin Laden's secret lair! (Death to high shipping prices!) So Air Force, thank you for using your anti-terror fund to defeat Al-Qaeda in style. (Fight to the furnish)
And that's the Word.
Margaret Spellings: Well obviously no one is for leaving children behind. (Stephen raises his hand) Well, maybe you are but they're not.
Stephen: I have the courage to leave child behind. Not all of the children! Just the one that smells like baloney. You know that kid.
Margaret: They become television personalities.
Stephen: (choking up) You know me too well.
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