The Colbert Report

Season 5 Episode 30

Mark Bittman

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Mar 03, 2009 on Comedy Central
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Tonight Stephen welcomes New York Times food columnist and author of Food Matters: A Guide To Conscience Eating, Mark Bittman.
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      • Stephen: Tonight: President Obama taxes the rich to pay for universal health care. I hope it covers the stroke I have when I file my return. Then: South Carolina has a new plan to get guns off the streets. Finally, and end to gun prostitution. And my guest is New York Times food columnist Mark Bittman. I'll ask him what food tastes best grilled over a burning New York Times. Ever get the feeling 1.3 million people are watching you? This is the Colbert Report.

      • Stephen: This plan is patently unfair to the rich, but there may be a silver lining and it's tonight's Word. Share The Wealth. Now folks, I've never been a fan of socialism, even as a kindergartner I refused to share my toys. (To pay for universal cooties care) And I especially distrust socialized medicine If I want to share my health with the poor, I'll cough on them. (How he gives to UNICEF) Now of course, I hear my critics: Stephen, why won't you spend 600 billion dollars to help sick people, but you'll spend 10 trillion dollars to help sick banks? That's because at least with the banks we're getting something in return for our money. (Screwed) Now, hopefully, with the new money in the banks the credit market will loosen, (Just enough to slip out necks in) we will get oversight, (Instead of just hindsight) and plus, we will get equity in the companies. For instance, we now own 36% of CitiBank, that's got to be worth something. (What's 36% of nothing?) Now at this point folks, I have to use the n-word. (Uh oh) This is nationalization. (Whew) Now nationalization is what happens when you use our money to keep the banks alive. Well I say if we're now using our money to keep the poor alive, we need to nationalize the poor. (Not just marginalize them)

        And just like with the banks, we should get oversight. If we're paying for the poor's health care, we need to make sure they stay healthy. That means we get to dictate what they eat, how much they exercise and stop them from engaging in risky behavior like beer pong which we all know gives you herpes. (AKA "Doocys") But just like with the banks, the more important thing here is that we have equity, health care cannot be a give away, and President Obama clearly agrees. He called using my money to pay for other people's health care "…the largest investment ever…" Well if he's investing in the poor with my money I say that makes me a shareholder and I should have the right to liquidate my assets and I will take them in the form of new livers. Because this new tax policy is driving me to drink! And I'm sure I'll need other organs because it hasn't stopped me from driving. (Car comes with organ star) Now I can hear some critics saying: Stephen, you're so heartless. Well if my plan works, I'll have all the hearts I need. (Can finally release those baboons) So, that's the deal uninsured, we share the wealth, you share the health. And as for those grossly mismanaged banks, who are dragging the world economy down in flames…How are you guys doing? Do you need anything? (Share the wealth)

        And that's the Word.

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