The Colbert Report

Season 1 Episode 32

Mark Cuban

Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Dec 15, 2005 on Comedy Central
out of 10
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Episode Summary

Mark Cuban
TONIGHT: Stephen Colbert welcomes billionaire and owner of the Dallas Mavericks, Mark Cuban!

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  • Stephen interviews Mark Cuban and Major Owens.

    The show opens with a teaser of content from the show, which involves everything from the war on Christmas to what to expect next year.

    Stephen starts off by complaining about how when he went to Wal-Mart, he wasn't told "Merry Christmas". Instead, he was told "Happy Holidays", so when he returned home, he decided to look up the word "holiday", and he learned it means "Holy Day", which Stephen thinks is appropriate afterall, so he announces a "War on Holiday". He promises to fight anyone who wishes him a "Merry Christmas", as he now favors "Happy Holidays".

    Stephen decides to take a look at previous episodes, and see how he was able to change the world. They show three clips they didn't actually use for those episodes.

    Stephen turns his attention to next year, and hopes we can come up with new things, and this brings us to tonight's edition of "The Word", which is "Jetpack". We've been promised a lot of things over the years, so where's the jetpack? Stephen goes on to list a few other things he'd like to see happen, which includes an increase in his poll numbers.

    Back from a break, Stephen introduces another Better Know A District segment, which focuses on the eleventh district of New York, which is the home of Brooklyn. Stephen then shows Congressman Major Owens, eleven-time Democratic Congressman. They discuss poetry, Hurricane Katrina, Haiti, a minimum wage increase, and slavery.

    Back from commercial, Stephen welcomes tonight's guest, Mark Cuban. They discussed a variety of topics, which included how Mark Cuban made his money, and the possibility of buying another sports team.

    Back from commercial, Stephen reminds folks of the tax season, and brings several things onto the set so he can declare them as business expenses.

    As usual, it was another solid show. I thought the two interviews got a bit silly in a fairly short time.moreless

Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions


  • TRIVIA (1)

  • QUOTES (2)

    • Stephen: …which brings us to tonight's Word: Jetpack. For years they've been telling us we're gonna have little wrist televisions, one man rockets and whole meals in pill form. (Soylent Green is people!) Hopefully this year we can do it. But there's some things I'm looking forward to in the coming year. For instance, President Bush's approval ratings continue their unstoppable skyward trajectory over the last two weeks. (Up 2%) At this rate, by the end of his Presidency, Bush's approval rating will be 122%, giving him 22% he can apply to other polls. (Is Bush handling the Iraq War well: 100% No, 22% Yes) Now hopefully, the Patriot Act will not expire, but certain restraining orders will. (We belong together, Charlene!) Everybody deserves a second chance.

      I hope the bird flu will be eliminated, perhaps by the release of a cat flu. (Causes fever, love of lasagna) Or course, then well have to release a dog flu to stop the cat flu (Causes chills, jumping up on couch) and then we'll make a goat flu to stop the dog, the flu from the dog was to stop the cat, the cat was to stop the bird, the flu from the bird was to stop the spider that wriggled and jiggled and ticked inside her. Ultimately, we may have to make a flu from a horse. (We'll die of course)

      Now, most of all, I hope 2006 will be the last year of human existence, because the Rapture is coming, and all the faithful will be taken up to Heaven and the Anti-Christ will reign over the damned who will suffer through Hell on Earth. (Disney on Ice) I am really looking forward to next year, maybe loose a few pounds.

      And that's the word.

    • Stephen: My guest tonight is eccentric billionaire Mark Cuban. Let's see how he stands up to this eccentric thousandaire.

  • NOTES (0)