The Colbert Report

Season 2 Episode 139

Mark Halperin

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Nov 06, 2006 on Comedy Central
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Mark Halperin
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Tonight Stephen welcoms ABC News correspondent and co-author of The Way to Win: Taking the White House in 2008, Mark Halperin.
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      • Stephen: I'm Stephen Colbert and I approved this message. This is the Colbert Report.

      • Stephen: …which brings us to tonight's Word: Happy Ending. Folks, Iraq is a success story, (Grim Fairy Tale) we know we won the war, Saddam is going to be put to death. (Doubling value of Saddam playing card) But, you know, the fact is we won the peace too. (First Prize: More war) Just consider the evidence, (Bush never did) the Iraqi Prime Minister Noun al-Maliki is increasingly turning his back on the United States. (Giving us the purple finger) Two weeks ago when the President said there would be a timeline for withdrawal, al-Maliki came out and said he never agreed to the plan. (Al-Maliki no ma-likey) Then last week he forced the U.S. Army to dismantle checkpoints it had set up in Baghdad to find a missing American serviceman. (Shafting Private Ryan) Then he called Zalmay Khalizad the U.S. ambassador to Iraq that he was quote: "…Not America's man in Iraq." Of course, when he's with the President it's a totally different story. Just a day before he said he wasn't America's man, Maliki and President Bush held a video conference and issued a join statement that said: "We are committed to the partnership our two great countries and two governments have formed…" All this is great! It proves that we've established and American style democracy in Iraq. You agree with President Bush when you're with him, but when you get back home to your voters you shake him like a case of crabs.

        And we have done more than just establishing a stable government in Iraq, (We've also legalized torture) again consider the evidence. Companies like BecTell, who went to Iraq to rebuild power, water and sewage services, are now coming back. (Unlike power, water and sewage services) The 21 billion dollars allocated for reconstruction is almost gone and there's no more money in the pipeline. (Or a pipeline) And President Bush has shut down the agency that oversees Iraq's reconstruction that makes sure the money goes where it's supposed to. (Halliburton) All of this folks, leads to one obvious conclusion: (Fire Rumsfeld) we've finished rebuilding Iraq. We must have, otherwise we'd keep rebuilding. So everyone who wants to make this election a referendum on Iraq, let me remind you, we've won on every front. All this means is we should be bringing our boys home soon, and by soon I mean before the polls close tomorrow. Please? That way this war and these elections can both have a happy ending. (Happy Ending)

        And that's the Word.

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