The Colbert Report

Season 3 Episode 90

Mark Moffett

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Jul 17, 2007 on Comedy Central
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Mark Moffett
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Tonight Stephen welcomes ant expert Mark Moffett.
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1:35am
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    • TRIVIA (1)

    • QUOTES (6)

      • Stephen: A US Senator admits to seeing a prostitute. Talk about supporting a surge!

      • Stephen: Also, I would like to apologize right now for anyone staying up late for the big pasta strainer infomercial. I'll save you some time, it's very effective. And spoiler alert, you might think a strainer this good cost $300, but act now and it's yours for two easy payments of $19.99. Plus, you'll get the travel strainer, that's a thirty dollar value, and it gives you the ability to strain while you travel.

      • Stephen: If you were looking for the two a.m. rebroadcast of the smash hit comedy "Out Cold", where a snowboarder's plans to own his own snowboard park go awry when an ex-girlfriend comes to town, you will have to rent it. After first finding it. Does he end up with her? Does he get that snowboard park? The suspense... May interest you.

      • Stephen: If anyone is waiting to catch Blue Collar comedian Bill Engvall's 15 Degrees Off Cool power hour, you're going to have to wait another day and a half to discover just how much he likes Slim Jims.

      • Stephen: Well, well, well, we meet again, only this time it is I who have my own television show. This is the Colbert Report.

      • Stephen: I say he's tonight's Word: Victimcrite. The Dems are trying to use Vitter's human frailties for their politics of personal destruction. (Whorehouse veterans for truth) Folks, it is the same thing they did to the man Vitter replaced when he first came to Congress, former House Speaker Bob Livingston. A man with marital infidelities which were revealed just as he was trying to impeach President Clinton for marital infidelity. (Pot-calling-kettlegate) When Vitter replaced Livingston, he then voted to impeach Clinton calling President Clinton quote: morally unfit to govern. (But great wingman) Vitter has also campaigned as a family values conservative who received a prestigious award from the Family Research Council. (Best actor in a marriage) Well that in my book does not make him a hypocrite, it just proves him right. For instance in 2003, Senator Vitter proposed a Constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage because it weakens heterosexual marriage. Well the gays just kept on getting married so Senator Vitter had no choice but to go to a prostitute. Now this good man's career is threatened, even his manhood is a risk. You see, during Monicagate his wife Wendy told the press where she stood on infidelity quote: "I'm a lot more like Lorena Bobbitt than Hillary…If he does something like that, I'm walking away with one thing, and it's not alimony, trust me." So when Senator Vitter says he has made peace with his wife, it makes you wonder what piece. ("You're going to want to keep some pressure on that.")

        His critics are not satisfied with their pound of flesh, metaphorically, I don't know if it's actually a pound, that sounds pretty big. They are demanding the Senator resign, well I say Senator, you're country needs you, stay strong! (If you "stay strong" more than four hours, call a doctor) Where would we be if everyone who advocated a position had to live up to it? That would mean anyone who supported a war would have to be willing to fight one. So America, don't punish people like David Vitter for decrying our corrupt culture while secretly indulging in it. They're only doing it because they want to protect us so much, they're willing to save us from them.

        And that's the Word.

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