The Colbert Report

Season 2 Episode 111

Martin Short

Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Sep 11, 2006 on Comedy Central
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Episode Summary

Martin Short
Tonight Stephen welcomes comedian Martin Short.

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Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions


  • TRIVIA (1)

  • QUOTES (4)

    • Stephen: …and it's also the subject of tonight's Word: Shall. As in, thou shalt not use "will." Now you've heard about red states and blue states, but there's also red words and blue word. "Shall" is red, it's strong and authoritarian, like the Republicans: "I shall return." (…to gay-bashing in election years) "Shall" embodies traditional Republican values like stick-to-itiveness and telling other people how to live. (In fear) "Shall" is Godly, as in "Thou Shalt Not Kill." (Except by lethal injection) If God were a Democrat, which he is not, (Though He is pro-Lieberman) God would have said: Thou will not kill. Meaning you shouldn't kill but you had a bad childhood so it's society's fault. (Here's some counseling on us) "Will" is a blue word, (Has four letters) it's weak, it's vacillating like the Democrats as in: I will cut and run. (60% "will" agree) Think of all the times you hear "will" and "Democrats" in the same sentence. The Democrats will tax, the Democrats will spend, (Democrats will win the mid-term elections) Senator Allan knows this. That is why he had to put his stamp on Durbin's wishy-washy amendment, (Stamp of desperate for approval) he was just trying to make it seem more forceful, the way a jock might say to a nerd: You shall let me copy your homework. ("Whilst" I steal your lunch money) So Senator Allan, keep doing what you're doing and you shall not be defeated. (You will be)

      And folks, that's the Word.

    • Stephen: ABC has produced an analytical and non-partisan drama that simply proves that it was all Bill Clinton's fault.

    • Stephen: Just because something is utterly invented doesn't mean it's not true.

    • Stephen: TV without ads is just what the terrorists want, that's why they love Masterpiece Theater.

  • NOTES (1)


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