The Colbert Report

Season 1 Episode 15

Mary Roach

0
Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Nov 09, 2005 on Comedy Central
9.1
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Episode Summary

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Mary Roach
AIRED:
TONIGHT: Stephen Colbert welcomes author of "Spook: Science Tackles the Afterlife", Mary Roach!

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  • TRIVIA (1)

  • QUOTES (2)

    • Stephen Colbert: Everyone put your keys in the bowl, it's time for a swinging Truth party!

    • Stephen: …which leads us to tonight's Word: Willie Loman. Arnold Schwarzenegger got his ass handed to him in yesterdays vote on his four pet propositions. (Props 74,75,76,77) His poll numbers are bottoming out, (28% approval) there's even been talk of another special election to recall him. (Run again, Gary Coleman!) Ironic that this should happen to such an All-American boy. (Pumping irony) I say All-American because Schwarzenegger typifies the American dream, listen to what he said is his first State of the State addres.

      Schwarzenegger: "If I can sell tickets to my movies like Red Sonja, or Last Action Hero, you know I can sell just about anything."

      Stephen: And nothing is more American than a salesman. (Sorry apple pie) Arthur Miller knew that, he wrote the great American play "Death of a Salesman." (Spoiler alert: The Salesman dies!) And, while looking like this, he managed to bag Marilyn Monroe. That, my friends, is a sales job. Now, there's one hard and fast rule in sales, (Sell things) know your product. Arnold's been selling himself for years and we bought him, he's not a good actor. I didn't believe he was pregnant in "Junior," he wasn't even that great of a bodybuilder. Lou Ferrigno had better deltoids. (Hulk is hunk!) And he is clearly not a politician, (Maria is) but we didn't care. We were buying Arnold, then Arnold made a huge mistake. He started selling policy, instead of Arnold. (Bait und switch) Salesmen know inside every man there is a hole the size of your product. You just find the hole, and you jam your product in there. You change your product, you can't jam it in the same hole. You gotta find a new hole, jam it in there. And not everyone has the hole you're looking for, Arnold changed to product, but California still has the same old holes. Similar problem with Bush. When he ran in 2000, he sold us integrity, authenticity, (Wearing blue jeans) not New York intellectualism, or crazy California sexuality, but values from the heartland. But now even he's selling the wrong stuff. Social Security, free trade with Latin America, 63% of American want to shop elsewhere. (The credibility Gap)

      You know, my grandfather (Pee-Pop) sold glass bottles during the Depression. Sometimes he'd order bottle he hadn't sold just to keep the factory open. Then he'd figure out how to move them. It lit a fire under his ass. (He drank a lot) Mr. President, it's time for you to do the same thing. What's in your inventory? (Bombs) Go with what works, start a war, let's say Iran. Then, sell it to us later; I think we've proved that we'll buy it. And Mr. Schwarzenegger, get back to what you do best, jamming Arnold into people's holes. And Americans, for our part, we need to start buying what they're selling again. Attention must be paid to such men.

      And that's the Word.

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