The Colbert Report

Season 5 Episode 124

Matt Latimer

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Sep 29, 2009 on Comedy Central
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Matt Latimer
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Tonight Stephen welcomes lawyer and speechwriter for President Bush and author of Speech-less: Tales of a White House Survivor, Matt Latimer.
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      • Stephen: Tonight: Should we delay the vote on healthcare or just deny it coverage until it dies? Then: An exciting new tobacco product hits the market. C'mon smokeable beer. And my guest is former Bush speechwriter Matt Latimer. I'll ask him who came up with "nucular." Congratulations Kate plus 8, sorry Jon plus non. This is the Colbert Report.

      • Stephen: See? All he [Sen. Pat Roberts] wants is some time for healthcare lobbyists to change the bill. That's a bold admission and it brings us to tonight's Word: Out Of The Closet. Folks, there are some things that everybody knows but nobody says. (Stephen's hair growing back weird) For instance he doesn't talk about it but everybody on this show knows that Jeff in accounting is gay. But now I've said it so it's out, and that is the best thing for Jeff. (And his wife) Now in much the same way Senator Roberts has broken the silence and admitted that he is in a committed consensual relationship with the pharmaceutical and insurance industries. It's a freaky three way. But I say good for you sir, the truth shall set you free. (Hopefully from re-election) We all know that our politicians have these relationships. From September until May, Congress is just one big appropriations cruise on both sides of the aisle. (Lieberman swings both ways) Well I say it is time for Congress to stop introducing lobbyists as their "roommates." (Friends with "special interests") Don't be ashamed of who you are! (Whores?) Shout it! Be proud! Get up there and shout it from the top of the Capital Dome: Lobbyists write all the legislation! (Run wording by lobbyists first) Well so what!? So what if Congress doesn't write it, evidently they don't read it.

        [Video: Sen. Lamar Alexander: The bill that came out in the health committee is already more that 1,000 pages….
        Rep. Tom Price: Over a thousand pages…
        John Conyers: I love these members, the get up and say read the bill. What good is reading the bill if it's a thousand pages…]

        Stephen: It's a thousand pages! (And not one quidditch match!) So it is none of our business what goes on between consenting adults in the privacy of the Congressional cloakroom. (Playing "hide the pork") Shame time is over, okay? It's time for lawmakers like Max Baucus to stop hiding their relationships and start printing bumper stickers like these: Max Baucus: I take more money from the health care lobby than anyone else in Congress. And you know what? That's not enough, there should be pride parades. Republicans and Democrats locked arm in arm marching down K Street chanting the fierce message of freedom: We're here, we're insincere, get used to it! And folks, we would get used to it, because we know it's happening already. (Out of the closet)

        And that's the word.

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