The Colbert Report

Season 5 Episode 68

Meghan McCain

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM May 18, 2009 on Comedy Central
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Tonight Stephen welcomes a columnist for thedailybeast.com, Meghan McCain.
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      • Stephen: Tonight: There's a problem with closing Gitmo. Evidently you can't just leave the prisoners there. Then: The Christian Children's Fund changes its name. To the Christian Adults Fund? And my guest is Meghan McCain, daughter of John McCain. I'll ask if she's jealous of Sasha and Malia's swing set. Hey you! Watching this on mute! Turn up the volume!!! This is the Colbert Report!

      • Stephen: But what do we do with the rest of them? [Gitmo prisoners] The answer is tonight's Word: Tough Cell. Believe it or not there's a lot of talk about moving these bloodthirsty detainees to American prisons. We can't have these people filling up our jails, we need that space for people doing life sentences. (Caught smoking pot three times) Imagine what would happen if a detainee wound up in an American prison. (They might convert to Islam?) Now luckily some legislators out there are fighting back like Kansas Republican Senator Sam Brownback.

        [Video: Sam Brownback: We can resolve this, but not by releasing detainees…]

        Stephen: Thank you Senator, for having the courage to oppose what no one has suggested. (Also against dog voting) But Senator Brownback offered yet another insightful way that we cannot resolve this.

        [Video: Sam Brownback: Not by putting them in Fort Leavenworth, Kansas. Where the people there are saying, clearly, we cannot handle this…]

        Stephen: He's right! Senator Brownback thinks there are some things that the people of Kansas just cannot handle. (Like evolution) And how on Earth could they handle it? Fort Leavenworth is just a maximum security military prison in the middle of a 3600 soldier army base. Some of these detainees were captured when they were teenagers, who knows how strong they are now. But House minority leader John Boehner made the strongest case yet.

        [Video: John Boehner: Our constituents don't want these terrorists in their neighborhoods.]

        Stephen: Exactly! Obama wants them in our neighborhoods. I believe Khalid Sheikh Mohammad is going to live above your neighbors' garage. (They'll have to move the meth lab) And folks, we've already tried this with disastrous consequences. Al-Qeada's Ali Almari spent over five years being held without charges in a military brig outside of my hometown Charleston, South Carolina. This is what Charleston looked like just six years ago. [Tourism video runs] Just look at it now. [Scene from Poltergeist where the bodies come up in the pool] Luckily there is an answer to this problem. Vice President Cheney has been very clear about this from the beginning.

        [Video: Dick Cheney: I don't know a single Congressional district in this country that's going to say: gee great, they're sending us 20 Al-Qeada terrorists…]

        Stephen: Right! No Congressional district has said it. But one person has.

        [Video: Dick Cheney: …gee great, they're sending us 20 Al-Qaeda terrorists…]

        Stephen: Did you hear that! Dick Cheney just volunteered to take 20 Al-Qeada terrorists! (Good target practice) We can send them to his ranch! Folks, this is perfect, after all, according to Cheney, he is the only one who knows how to treat them. (he starts with a coat of Thompson's Water Seal) And that's the Word.

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