The Colbert Report

Season 4 Episode 160

Michael Phelps

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Dec 11, 2008 on Comedy Central
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Tonight Stephen welcomes Olympic gold medalist and co-author of No Limits: The Will to Succeed, Michael Phelps.

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      • Stephen: Tonight: Atheists are trying to take the Christ out of Christmas. What's next? Taking the Christ out of Christian Amenpour? Then: Astronomers are trying to ruin Christmas. Sounds like someone isn't getting the new Hubble telescope they asked for. And I sit down with Olympic champion swimmer Michael Phelps. He may have brought home the gold, but where's his myrrh? It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas, everywhere I go….possibly because I live in Macy's. This is the Colbert Report.

      • Stephen: And these Godless grinches bring us to tonight's Word: The Unbearable Lightness Of Supreme Being. Folks, Atheists work all year long to push their radical, secular agenda, but when December rolls around all their efforts are forgotten as American re-embrace their one true God. (Shopping) So, Christmas really burns Atheists up, which then can think of as a preview of their afterlife. (This torment not yet rated) That's why Atheists are so vicious this time of year. For instance, this year at the Washington state capital building, across from the Christmas display, this sign was put up by an Atheist group.

        [Video: Dan Barker: There are no gods, no devils, no angels, no Heaven or Hell, there is only our natural world. Religion is but myth and superstition that hardens hearts and enslaves minds.]

        Stephen: Enslaves minds? That's offensive! Our minds are not enslaved, they are indentured servants. You do God's work for years and years and you are eventually freed by death, then you go to Heaven where you get to play Wii Bowling with Ben Franklin. These Atheists are taking advantage of an obscure loophole in the fine print of the First Amendment: (Existential void where prohibited) That everyone has a right to exercise their freedom of speech and religion on public land, conveniently they're overlooking the fact that God gave us this land to begin with. (Won it from Indians in craps game) And if you need more proof that we are in a God fearing country, look no further than Kentucky, (Through you fancy city looky glasses) where recently a resolution requires that the state office of Homeland Security display a plaque formally acknowledging that "The safety and security of the Commonwealth cannot be achieved apart from reliance upon Almighty God…"

        That's right! Kentucky has drafted God into our battle against terror and we are going to win because unlike Al Qeada, we are fighting a holy war where our soldiers are righteous instruments of God's will. (Praise Jesus) But now Atheist have filed a lawsuit claiming the Kentucky resolution proves that quote: "Their very safety as residents of Kentucky may be in the hands of fanatics, traitors or fools." Wrong Atheists, you are thinking of Illinois. Ladies and gentlemen, there is an even worse offender our there, someone who every day fuels the Atheists agenda with his actions and fundamentally undermines out belief in God. (Glenn Beck?) Of course, I am talking about God. Now don't get me wrong, I'm a big fan, it's just that recently somethings a little off. ("Does this existence smell like it's gone sour?")

        Sometimes, sometimes instead of bad things happening to bad people and good things happening to good people, good things happen to bad people and bad things happen to good people. But if there is an all powerful loving God, why would He do that? (For smites and giggles?) I mean, seriously, seriously God, hardworking people are losing their homes, unemployment is at a twenty six year high, corruption is rampant, children are starving, the innocent are gunned down in Mumbai, vicious wars rage all over the planet, it is hard for us true believers to lead the flock when you keep giving the sheep a mutton eating virus. (God's wool be done) So, God, far be it from me, but if we're going to shut these Atheists down, let me give You some advice. First off, this morning's sunrise, a little more pink. (And maybe add Mac start up chime) Second: If You want everyone, everyone to believe in You, You've got to be comprehensible. A little less "He who surpasseth all understanding" and a little more ready for prime time. (Leno is God?)

        You know who would be a great example for You, Santa Claus. He has list of naughty and a list of nice, you know where you stand. (Not on his lap) Plus you know when's Santa's coming, with You it's all "You shall not know the hour nor the day," it's off putting. We're trying to plan our lives here. (God worse than cable guy) God, it's just hard to make Your case when You don't seem to want to make it Yourself. You're shooting Yourself in the foot. (Bloody footprints on the beach) Now, if You don't start pleasing Your customers, I cannot be responsible for what happens. I'm not threatening to leave You, Lord, I will always believe in you…for now. (Privately accepting bids from Shiva) And I certainly hope that everyone will believe in You because I know that You are all good, but I also know that bad things can happen to good people.

        And that's the Word.

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