The Colbert Report

Season 3 Episode 99

Michael R. Bechloss

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Aug 01, 2007 on Comedy Central
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Michael R. Bechloss
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Tonight Stephen welcomes historian and author of Presidential Courage: Brave Leaders and How They Changed America 1789-1989, Michael Bechloss.

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    • TRIVIA (1)

    • QUOTES (8)

      • Stephen: Lay off our snacks seagull! If God wanted you wanted you to eat Doritos, He would've given you marijuana and flat screen TVs.

      • Stephen: My guest Michael Bechloss has written a book about presidential courage. Turns out, pardoning that turkey every Thanksgiving is scarier than you think.

      • Stephen: Hollywood faces a pigeon infestation. Man, Michael Bay is really running out of ideas.

      • Stephen Colbert: This cat is clearly euthanising old people! He is like a satanic Garfield. But instead of lasagne he eats souls.

      • Stephen Colbert: Nation, unless you've been on the moon this week, you know I broke my wrist. And if you have been on the moon ... congratulations, you are the first!

      • Stephen: Hot enough for ya? Yes I am. This is the Colbert Report.

      • Stephen: …which brings us to tonight's Word: College Credit. Folks, in today's anything goes ivory towers, kids earn credit for anything For instance if an English major writes a poem for a class, his credit is worth just as much as an engineering major who designs a weapon that can be used to repel poets. (Like a job) Nation, our young people are being taught that all knowledge is valuable whether or not it leads to a promising career. The fact is folks there is a real world difference between a graduate with an advertising degree (Account executive in five years) and one with an art history degree. (Account executive in six years) Thankfully, some state universities are recognizing that by making tuition for some majors more expensive than others. Now according the universities they need to charge more for courses like business, engineering and the hard sciences because of expensive lab equipment and high faculty salaries. They say they have no choice. Now I don't know whether they have a choice, I'll leave that to the philosophy department, (They have free time, if not free will) but I for one am excited about this. It's a breakthrough that allows me to achieve a long time dream, arranging all fields of knowledge into a three tiered pricing system: marketable, non-marketable and "you know this is killing your parents."

        Now marketable is the priciest, business, engineering and science. And whatever future professional football players major in. (Dogfighting) Then there's non-marketable. That's for majors like history. Why spend a lot for it when you won't get a high paying job. Plus if you don't learn history evidently you're doomed to repeat it and you'll find out what happens for free. (Are you listening, Michael Bechloss?) Finally the lowers tier which includes classics, comparative literature, linguistics, basically anything that's taught by someone who says they live to teach. Of course if these universities really want to revolutionize education, they should apply monetary values not just to majors, but to individual facts. (Like Alex Trebek) In French class "Hello" and "Thank You" are free, you charge 20 bucks for "Please take me to the hospital, someone has stolen my insulin." (Je voudrais un nouveau pancreas) Someone speaks French. Chemistry classes can charge 10 dollars for how to start a combustible chemical reaction and 30 dollars for how to stop a combustible chemical reaction. (Skin graft is extra) Universities, adopt this plan, install a card swiper on each desk That way if students don't have the cash, they can put it on credit. (College credit) After all, you can't put a price on knowledge but the market can.

        And that's the Word.

      • Stephen: Tonight, colleges raise tuition for certain majors. But I say, just get an honorary degree. They're free.

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