The Colbert Report

Season 2 Episode 44

Michael Smerconish

Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Apr 03, 2006 on Comedy Central
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Episode Summary

Michael Smerconish
TONIGHT: Stephen Colbert welcomes the author of "Muzzled: From T-Ball to Terrorism - True Stories That Should Be Fiction", Michael Smerconish!

Who was the Episode MVP ?

  • Stephen offers advice on taxes!

    The show opens with a teaser of content from the show, which involves everything from cloning horses to taxes.

    Stephen starts off the show by mentioning the victory of the Chicago White Sox, and he's really happy about it. He goes on to talk about how he can't wait for his first baseball game of the year. Stephen then goes on to talk about SC Justice Scalia, who seems to have made an obscene gesture to a reporter. Scalia isn't the only one who likes to express himself with obscene gestures; Stephen likes to do so as well. He gives a few examples, such as the finger and even grabbing his testicles.

    Moving on, Stephen takes a look at who's honoring him in a cleverly titled segment, "Who's Honoring Me Now?" He pulls out a new certificate of appreciation he received from a law center which tries to promote tolerance. They also gave him mailing labels, but unfortunately, they misspelled his name. Feeling he deserves something a bit more, Stephen asks some of his people to work on a clip to send to the Nobel Prize people in hopes of coming away with a nice medal.

    Stephen then moves on to his experience at the race track over the weekend. One of Stephen's friends, Big Ted, told him about a guy who is cloning champion horses, which is controversial. This brings us to tonight's edition of "The Word," which is "Stay the Course." He goes on to say that cloning isn't all that different from breeding, which has gone on forever. He goes on to bring parallels to the political sphere, what with the Bush family, the Adams family, and the Clinton family.

    Back from commercial, Stephen introduces a new edition of "Stephen's Sound Advice", which is about taxes. Stephen's suggestions include adopting foreign babies, like Angelina Jolie. Also, Stephen considers his Ferrari a business expense since he gets his best ideas while driving at 200mph. Also, be sure to get a receipt for everything. Since he had over 400 business dinners with his building manager, Tad, Stephen's certain he can get that written off as well. You can't forget about giving to charity, of course, but there are so many charities to choose from. Well, this is why Stephen's started his own, "Colbert Cares About Indians." To save even more money, Stephen's no longer just a person, he's also Stephen Colbert Inc., which is owned by "ColbertCo", which was just bought by the Emirates of Dubai. Two last tips: invest in a tax shelter and be extremely wealthy.

    Back from commercial, Stephen welcomes tonight's guest, Michael Smerconish. Michael and Stephen talk about stopping terrorists in the airport, but are unable to come up with a good way to do so, of course, although they offer one funny suggestion, don't search natural blondes. Stephen volunteers to check the carpet to make sure that they're really natural afterall.

    Back from the commercial, Stephen thanks the Nutz company, which made the drink Stephen drank during tonight's show.

    I really enjoyed tonight's episode. I thought the interview was a bit of a waste of time, but there was a funny moment here and there to keep it interesting. My favorite segment was "Stephen's Sound Advice," which was great. I'm always interested in jokes about taxes, and Stephen did a great job with it.moreless

Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions


  • TRIVIA (2)

    • Colbert's Nutz beer also appeared during an episode of The Daily Show a few years ago. Colbert was again reporting on taxes, when he mentioned that when he does his taxes, he likes to quench his thirst with a Nut-brand hazelnut soda. Jon then mentions that he enjoys the pistachio version (the same version Colbert drinks during this episode). They then take a sip of their Nutz, Colbert licking his lips.

    • The Word: Stay the Course

  • QUOTES (6)

    • Stephen Colbert (about paying taxes): Like many Americans, I face a patriotic dilemma, how much cheating can I get away with?

    • Stephen Colbert: It's baseball's opening day, and any rebroadcast or reproduction of this telecast without the expressed written consent of Major League Baseball is prohibited. This is The Colbert Report!

    • Stephen Colbert (about his interview with Michael Smerconish): We'll swap stories about the oppression we've experienced as white males.

    • Stephen Colbert: Then, tax advice for the common man. You deducted the yacht, but what about the helicopter on the yacht?

    • Stephen Colbert: Tonight, a scientist in Texas clones champion race horses. Now you can win the trifecter in just one pick!

    • Stephen: ...which brings us to tonight's Word: Stay the course. Now, clones make some people uneasy, (Yoda for one) they think that cloning is a violation of natural law, nothing more than scientists playing God. (Played by Morgan Freeman) But, face it, breeders have been playing God by controlling race horses genetic material for hundreds of years. (Hot horse on horse husbandry) The fact is it works for people too. For a thousand years the aristocratic families of Europe have been marrying each other and they make great leaders. (And bleeders) And good genes are important in democracy as well folks.

      Look at the greatest horse race of all, the run for the Presidency. John Adams was such a popular president ("Alien and Sedition Act" rules!) that we elected as the 6th President his son, John Quincy Adams. ("Q" to his crew) It's the same today, Bush 41 may have been a one-termer, but we were so taken with his pedigree that we gave it another shot. (In the foot) And this happens on both sides of the political divide. Consider your Bayhs, your Romneys, your Daleys, your Gores, your Udalls, for years the Democrats elected Kennedy after Kennedy. (Diminishing returns) Although their last champion, Clinton, is no longer running, (Out to stud) folks, they're betting on his name in the big race this year.
      So, when it comes to racehorses and politicians why not eliminate chance and make the jump from breeding to cloning. We don't have to clone our current President, yet, Jeb and Neil are champing at the bits. (Jeb=Stallion, Neil=Gelding) And when they're through, we've got the President's nephew, young Pierce Bush.

      [Video] Pierce: I didn't think there'd be this kind of bubble of interest. You know what I'm sayin' (laughs)
      Reporter: We appreciate your coming and sharing your view with us this morning. Thanks very much.
      Pierce: I'm gonna go hit the bed, you know what I'm sayin' Campbell?
      Reporter: I hear you.

      Stephen: Oh, I think we all hear your Pierce. Now I know he's just a kid, but I wanna have a beer with that young man. (Before he doesn't get sent to Iraq) So nation, let's stick with our winners, we have to stay the course. (Stay the horse)

      And that's the Word.

  • NOTES (0)


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