The Colbert Report

Season 6 Episode 83

Michael Specter

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Jun 24, 2010 on Comedy Central
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Michael Specter
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Tonight Stephen welcomes staff writer for The New Yorker and author of Denialism: How Irrational Thinking Hinders Scientific Progress, Harms the Planet, and Threatens Our Lives, Michael Specter.
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      • Stephen: Tonight: We've got a new commander in Afghanistan. Hold on, I'm still not used to the new Darrin on Bewitched. Then: The dramatic conclusion of my astronaut training. It's one small step for man because I have dainty feet. And my guest Michael Specter has a new book about the dangers of denying science. One of the dangers: Getting a girlfriend. The longest tennis match ever ended today. That's funny, I though every tennis match was the longest ever. This is the Colbert Report.

      • Stephen: Now I believe in General Petraeus, but he has got something to learn about fighting the Afghan war from General McChrystal, and that brinsg us to tonight's Word: Who War It Best? Now the first thing we learned from Vietnam is that you can't win a war without public support. (2nd thing? Don't invade Vietnam) But when something goes on and on forever, public interest wanes, with the exception of Betty White. And even though this month was the bloodiest in this nine year war, according to The Project for Excellence in Journalism, the coverage of the war filled only 2.8% of the overall newshole. The newshole is what we insiders call the total available news time. It's also what John Stossel's employees call him behind his back. Now there is so little demand for Afghan coverage out there that CBS war correspondent Lara Logan is on maternity leave and the network isn't even hiring a replacement. I think they should just pick up another hot blonde from the secret island where Fox News breeds them. (Using Reagan's DNA & a Bratz Doll)

        But that American disinterest changed when Rolling Stone dished all the behind the scenes dirt on McChrystal and his senior staff's late night barracks bitch fests. Then suddenly America's interest in Afghanistan was ping ping! (Got us Kanda-hard) Now, in fact, on Tuesday's list of hottest Google search terms, General McChrystal beat out Jake & Vienna break up. That's right, the Afghan war is finally more important to Americans than season 14 of The Bachelor. So, General Petraeus, you've got to keep their interest. I suggest you locate your headquarters in a cave side mansion filled with cameras, ten bachelorettes and your second in command, Lt. Colonel The Situation, who's chest you use as a dry-erase board. And every week you must eliminate at least one warlord by giving him this rose. (Shock and Awwww!) And instead of public hearings, report to Congress like this: [Those stupid video confessions] Ugh, the Taliban are such jagoffs, we keep giving them money for safe passage and they're still mean to us, whatever. I'm not here to make friends, I'm here to win. And I'm a winner. I just have to stay confident and just know for myself that I'm here for the right reasons, (starts crying) I'm sorry, I'm sorry…I'm ready to take your questions now.

        And if that doesn't get their attention, why don't…try a nip slip. Or expose your newshole. (Put your DMZ on TMZ) Because something has got to keep us interested, and evidently the sacrifice of our troops isn't enough. (Who war it best?)

        And that's the Word.

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